Regardless of any sarcastic posts that may or may appear in this space in the next four years, for this one, single moment… I’m happy for Barack Obama and proud of the country. I’m happy for all the people who feel this represents a new stage in the country’s history. And I hope that all the things he promises — a better United States, unity, compromise, an openness in government, and better lives for everyone — happens. Selfishly, I hope this kicks off a huge shift of power in the Republican party to remove the religious maniacs and conservatives in their own little holes.

I’ll end this before cynicism and sarcasm starts to creep in to what I want to be positive congratulatory post. I still believe there are too many people who believe government is the solution, not the problem… and Obama’s government wants to be the solution. The hero worship in the eyes of many people shown during his acceptance speech seem to indicate they’re in agreement. I find that terrifying. But, for now, congratulations President-Elect Obama. You earned it. And congratulations America for probably doing the right thing to heal the divisive wounds in this country. At the very least, I’ve been waiting for a Gen Xer to be in charge, and now one is. Maybe it is, in fact, our time.

And to the Secret Service and God if you’re up there — for the love of all that is good and holy — protect this man.

I haven’t cried on an election night since 1992. But I’m crying now. Just like my fellow former resident of Hyde Park/Kenwood, Jesse Jackson.

Election Night 1992 was the end of a twelve-year nightmare. Election Night 2008 ended eight years of unimaginable hell. It began that nightmarish day in December 2000 when the Supreme Court caused me to lose my respect for every single legal institution in the United States. Since then, it’s been suffering. Constant, utter suffering.

I still stand by what I said in 2001: there would have been no September 11th had Nobel Peace Prize Winner Al Gore been elected as he should have been. Most of the decade, our brave men and women in the military have been involved in two wars that should never have happened. Thousands of our people killed, hundreds of thousands of Iraqis and Afghanis dead, JJ Botter with a couple of Purple Hearts… I felt a lot of guilt for helping send guys down to Gulf War: The Prequel. If I’d still been in (and I would have; I would have only reached my Twenty earlier this year), a noose might have been an option. Then came the skyrocketing gas prices; I remember almost vomiting seeing the first three-buck-a-gallon gas back in Kansas (well, first time in the US, anyway; I certainly saw it in Europe). Then Katrina and the unimaginable, deadly screw-ups that accompanied it; it shocks me, absolutely shocks me, that Lousyana went for McCain. Then Wall Street going tits-up. Every time you reach the bottom of the barrel, there’s a new bottom to be found.

And I told you that this would happen. I told you back in 2000. I reiterated it in 2004. You didn’t listen. You are a bunch of morons.

But now it’s over.

It really ended at 8:36PM Central Standard Time. That was the minute that CNN called one of my former states of residence, Ohio, for Obama. People bitch and moan about the Kennedys and their power in Brady Fellation Land, not to mention about my home in re the Daleys. Why doesn’t anyone complain about the Tafts in Ohio? Even though Ohio elected Republican presidents before the Tafts came around, the power of that family coalesced the GOP there and has lasted for a century, ever since the Tafts gave us the fattest president in US history on Election Night exactly one hundred years ago. Four generations of stranglehold for the Republicans, culminating in Kenneth Vote-Fraud’s screwing of John Kerry four years ago. And now it’s broken. God bless you, Cuyahoga County. God bless you, Tuscawaras County. When I lived near there eight years ago, I’d never have imagined that you hicks would have ever gone Demo. God bless you, C-Bus, the home of the best Anon chalkers in the business. You did it.

Same with you, Virgins. Without you, Obama couldn’t have claimed at 10:00PM Real American Time when CaliNeptune closed their polls. The last time you voted for a Demo, I was still four weeks from being born. Now, if those idiots in Indiana can follow suit, maybe I can go there Sunday to buy cigarettes with a clear conscience. But I’ll probably submit this before those results come in.

You want a quick translation of McCain’s concession speech? “Blame the n*ggers. It’s their fault.” Blame the spics too. They went 2-1 for Obama, you know. And there are a lot of them here now who are, somehow, eligible to vote. And did you catch Tina Fey’s body language on that stage? Oh, did she not want to be there. She’s going to get her ass back to Juneau tout suite and try to fight the ethics charges that she’ll face until her time to face the voters. Buh-bye, honey. For now, that is.

I went to the polls around 10:30AM. There were about twenty booths made available. Nineteen were filled after I got my ballot. A few minutes later, my vote for Obama was registered. In fact, the parking lot at the church/polling place was so crowded that it took me longer to get inside the polling area than it did for me to vote. I definitely felt better than I did during the last election. Four years ago, I was in Kansas. Voting for Kerry and for the Senate candidate was definitely equivalent to micturition in that backwater. Dubbaya and Brown-Nose were going to take those races no matter what I did short of assassination, and maybe not even then. But this time? You know, twelve years ago, if I was living in the middle of DuPage County like I am now, it would have been another trip to the toidy to whip it out and let loose. Not now. Twelve years ago, it would have been a sea of fat white old faces in that polling area who would rather have had genital piercings than voted for a Democrat. Today, I actually represented the median age of the group inside. Young professionals, mothers and fathers bringing in their children, faces that ran the Pantone Chart all the way from Ivory to Chocolate with no break in between. The demographics are changing. No longer are the Chicago suburbs lily-white conservatives. That diversity makes me more comfortable living here.

This was reflected in one of the few competitive races on the ballot here, US House of Representatives Illinois 13th District (it was quite saddening to see all of those unopposed Republican criminals on my ballot, let me tell you). Judy Biggert, the incumbent, is highly-respected, even by me. She’s a moderate Republican, definitely old-school. No religious pandering from her, just a solid pragmatic conservativism. She’s still a reasonable reflection of the population of her district. She was opposed by a gentleman named Scott Harper, a local product with an MBA from The University Of Chicago, so obviously he had my vote regardless of party affiliation. And, as I’m writing this, it’s a close race, within a couple percentage points. Normally, Biggert would have taken it without breaking a sweat. In fact, Harper would have probably won without those yahoos in Will County. We simply can’t wait until the 2010 census to incorporate Joliet into the Chicago area. It must be done now to turn them into proper Democrats.

And things must be done to the Red States to turn them into proper Democrats. The Oklahomos, for instance. They re-elected that repulsive little troll James Inhofe, who needs to be castrated like a steer, then chained up at the Habana Inn in Oklahoma City and gang-sodomized by truckers. You all know my plan for Kansas. And as for Nebraska…oh, I don’t know. Remember, their new senator Mike Johanns used to be my boss when he was Secretary of Agriculture. I lived in Lincoln when he was governor, and found out that he had a pretty wicked sense of humor. Republican, yes, but possibly worthy of survival in the New World Order, if only as court jester.

And there will be changes. It’s not only Democrats taking over. It’s Chicago Democrats. We don’t tolerate Republicans in our territory. And on January 20th, that territory will be the United States of America. Regrettably, we cannot take over as much as we need to. We couldn’t make the nut on the filibuster-proof Senate, although it looks pretty good right for Al Franken as I write this. If Ann Coulter’s head explodes from that little fact, I want it on YouTube now. It’s going to be a fun four years, watching Fat-Ass Limbaugh and his persuasion flailing impotently, raging against the dying of their night. I want them impotently flailing against the universal health care that will definitely be passed this time around. I want the New Deal-style programs that will be necessary to lift this country out of the recession. I want the Joe The Plumbers taxed to pay for these programs. I want more government regulation of everything, because, hey, I’m a trained government regulator. Socialism? No problem by me. My Marxism does tend toward Groucho, but I can see the benefits. And you’ll get to see them to, shoved in your faces if necessary. Rod the Mod can start the process in Illinois by appointing Rahm Emanuel to Obama’s seat. Oh, do the Republicans hate his guts big-time.

Excuse me while I continue crying while giggling intensely. I just can’t help it.

Okay, now that the partisanship is over, I know you want to know. How do some of the national figures of la belle femme persuasion rate on the Hot For Teacher Scale? For those of you who are new, the Hot For Teacher Scale came about when I was resident in Kansas and saw the true MILF potential of Governor Kathleen Sebelius. She is still the gold standard, rating a 100. How do others rank?

Senator-Elect Jeanne Shaheen: 70
Senator-Elect Kay Hagan: 87
Former Senator Elizabeth Dole: Used to be a 90, now firmly in GMILF territory
Mary Landrieu: 90, going up to 95 during Mardi Gras after the third drink
Hitlary: Dropped from a 60 to a 45 in the midst of this campaign. But Chelsea has really blossomed into a semi-hottie.
Michelle Obama: Not my type, but objectively, let’s face it, high 70s.
House Speaker For Life Nancy Pelosi: 25. She’s a battle-ax, but I’m glad she’s on my side. I think she’ll actually go for my program of denuding Kansas of all life and using it as a concentration camp for registered Republicans.
My Representative Judy Biggert: A very strong 60
The Udall cousins…they’re male? Really?
Sarah Palin: Not with five condoms, seven proxies, and MOPP 4

Just a few other observations:

Hope that you enjoyed seeing a lot of Grant Park. It’s really beautiful, isn’t it? The weather’s been wonderful here the last week. It’s a very warm night for November (around sixty degrees). I hope, I hope, I hope, that members of the International Olympic Committee were watching. This is how truly lovely my city is, and if they recognize that, then we’ll be hosting the 2016 Olympics. And, no, you can’t stay at my place.

Bochephus should never, ever do an acoustic version of “Born To Boogie”. That song deserves as much electric power as possible behind it. Especially when the other side has all the great beats.

Does Bryan Singer, an out-and-proud gay man, know exactly what Tom Cruise’s cult says about gays? If he had known, he’d never have been involved in Valkyrie. And if you don’t know, Google the phrase “eliminate, quietly and without sorrow”. Of course, knowing some of you, you’ll probably be more attracted to Scientology due to that. Ungrateful bastards. Don’t you know that I’m attending these protests for you? And it’s expected to rain on Saturday here in Chicago. Great. We got saturated during the September protests.

Another ad observation: DividedWeFail.org actually strikes a chord with me. Nine years ago, I was forced to declare bankruptcy because of medical bills after my HMO coverage decided that the three surgeries I had weren’t really necessary. Yeah, right. If I hadn’t had them, someone would have had to pay for in-patient addiction treatment in re Vicodin and Hillbilly Heroin for me. So, support these guys. Besides, I’m less than a dozen years away from AARP myself.

And now, let the 2012 campaign begin. We’ve already seen the preliminaries. Sarah Palin has already positioned herself as Mike Huckabee 1.5. Hopefully, Joe Biden will die within the next four years so someone real can become Veep, or at least send him back to the Senate (he won re-election to his seat). Me, for instance. I’m four years younger than Obama, have a lot of charisma…okay, I’ll accept Governor Hot For Teacher, like I told Obama to do a few months ago. But the campaign never ends. There are evil Republicans in the House and Senate already preparing their mudslinging for 2010. My lord and master Hunter Thompson once said that politics is better than sex. It may or may not be better, but it sure lasts longer.

It’s Republican Senator John McCain vs. Democratic Senator Barack Obama to determine the next President of the United States… and we’ll post results here once the major news organizations start calling it… in the meantime, feel free to comment below!

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.:: Dustinland 11.03.08 ::.

“Two white supremacists allegedly plotted to go on a national killing spree, shooting and decapitating black people and ultimately targeting Democratic presidential candidate Barack Obama, federal authorities said Monday.” - (read the full story here)

But you know, I think even if this didn’t happen, the comic would still be pretty dead on. Now, to head off predictable comments, let me say it for the one millionth time - NOT ALL REPUBLICANS ARE RACIST and YOU ARE NOT AUTOMATICALLY A RACIST IF YOU DON’T VOTE FOR OBAMA. That being said, there really is a scary amount of racial hatred being uncovered in this election. Some of the clips I see - especially online - make me wonder if it’s 2008 or 1948. But it’s like I said in this Dustinland from the other week, the same assholes who were calling hippies “long-haired faggot commies” are still out there today, and have even reproduced.

What I really wonder is this: Are the racists of this country afraid that a black man will become president, or are they more afraid that if he gets elected, he’ll do a good job?

.:: Dustinland 10.27.08 ::.

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There’s a person that’s free in the world that needs to be brought to justice. This person committed an act earlier in the decade that affected the lives of many Americans and forever altered the world, as we know it. And I think that it’s an issue that needs to be addressed by the candidates, even though it wasn’t brought up at any of the debates.

I think that the next President of the United States needs to find out exactly who let the dogs out.

Don’t get me wrong 9/11 was a huge deal, It impacted lives and we should probably do something about Osama Bin Laden. But really, whoever let the dogs out held the country, nay, the world captive for an entire summer. In fact I’d put the capture of whoever let the dogs out right behind becoming more eco-friendly in terms of the most pressing concerns. There’s practically an entire generation out there who can’t remember a time before the dogs were let out, and the person responsible is still out there. I think there’s something wrong with that picture.

I really think that by ignoring whoever let those dogs out, we’ve sort of turned our back on the world. After all it was the Baha Men who alerted us to the situation of the dogs actually being out and posed the question of who did it. Furthermore, that question was just posed to the United States, it was posed to the world, and thus it became a global issue.

Granted respect for the United States around the world is probably at an all time low, but I think that by making the capture of whoever let the dogs out a chief concern for our nation’s next four years we just might be able to win some points from several nations. Not only will we gain some respect back, but I think that solving the mystery of who let the dogs out might be used to mend some fences. Sure Palestine and Israel have some serious history between them, but I’ve got to believe that they could put it aside for a joint cause, like bringing to justice the person (or persons) behind the letting out of the dogs.

I know that we’re closing in on a historic election and on the cusp of a severe economic downturn, but I don’t think we afford to ignore the letting out of the dogs anymore. That person is still out there and they could strike again at any moment. They could be plotting right now. Their hatred for our pets grows every day. Last time it was the dogs. Maybe next time it’s the snakes or some other reptiles. Perhaps the next target is the hamsters.

I expect the candidates to address the issue of the dogs being let out and how they would prevent it from happening again. We should never forget that the dogs were let out and must remain vigilant so that we won’t have to deal with anything on that scale ever again.

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This week’s Dustinland is no joke. In America, we grow up reading about countries in South Amerca and Africa and Asia where the elections are rigged, where dictators win 101% of the vote, and we think, “Wow, that must suck to live in a place like that.” Well, this is turning into one of those countries. We NEED to keep our electoral system honest. Before we can think of even trying to turn this country around, we need to make sure that our votes are being counted. Otherwise, nothing else matters. The very people causing the problems will continue to be the ones making all the decisions.

So do everything you can to make sure your vote counts this year, especially if you’re in a swing state. And if in the days following the election there are clear signs of vote fraud, we can’t sit idly by and let it go uncontested. For example, many people believe the ‘04 election was stolen. Now, it’s great that these people protested:

But that’s not the kind of protest that will get you change. In 2006, people in Mexico thought their election was stolen. This was how they protested:

And, sadly, even this kind of protest didn’t achieve it’s goal. But it’s a step in the right direction. What’s the next step after that? What more can you do? It’s hard to say. All I know is that there are places in this world where people would die for the right to vote. Here, we don’t even fight for it when it’s taken away from us right before our very eyes. That needs to change, and it’s up to each and everyone of us to change it.

***Thanks to Greg Palast and Robert F Kennedy Jr. for all the work they’re doing to make sure all Americans have the right to vote. Please visit stealbackyourvote.org, download their comic, donate, and spread the word.

.:: Dustinland 10.20.08 ::.

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This week’s Dustinland was inspired by all the nasty things McCain supporters have been saying about Obama lately - particularly that he’s a terrorist. I mean, does that word even have a meaning anymore? If you asked these people to define “terrorist,” I wonder what they’d come up with, besides just saying “Obama” or “someone who hates freedom” or some other meaningless bullshit. Because it’s not about truth or logic with these people. It’s about us or them. And it has been that way for a long, long time. The people who today call themselves “conservatives” have been around forever. I’m not talking about Ron Paul supporters or people with brains who choose to support the Republican party for some reason. I’m talking about the people who wish that McCain would step down and let Palin run for office herself. These people are angry. They’re afraid. They don’t want something different. They don’t want something new. They don’t want change: It scares them. So they look at the thing they fear, and they label it, they debase it, they hate it, and they try to destroy it. And the Republican Party today needs these people to win, so it has become a cult of mean, angry, raving lunatics. And to see them together in large groups can be a frightening thing.

.:: Dustinland 10.13.08 ::.

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johndescending –

(noun) Someone who repeats the phrase “my friends” ad nauseum during debates in an attempt to buddy up to the American people.

What is the Political Addictionary?

The Political Addictionary, an invention of SpectrumDNA Studios, is a linguistic barometer for the country’s political climate. The institutional dictionaries of the English language haven’t yet caught up with the antics of our politicians, or the craziness of the political process. This inventive wiki-like engine allows users to invent and catalogue new words to help keep the lexicon relevant, irreverent and contemporary.

COMEDY CENTRAL has launched the Political Addictionary on its Indecision 2008 site http://www.indecision2008.com. It features the user-generated political “Word of the Day”, as well as weekly “There Oughta Be a Word” challenges from the bloggers at COMEDY CENTRAL. Users can also create their own “There Oughta Be A Word” challenge by providing a definition and daring the community to come up with a word. Politicos, wonks, linguists and the casual political junky can either join in on the conversation, or just browse the clever content for pure entertainment. There are widgets, RSS feeds and games in the works, as the site is constantly growing and changing with new user created words every day.

From a business standpoint, it’s a great model; definitely something that you don’t see in the era of “me-too”s.