Apologies for the formatting issue, but I guess a big video box is better than no video box!

(hat tip to Andrew Sullivan at TheAtlantic.com)

Poor Tom.  If he were alive today to see what he had helped create was about to become would he pick up an AK-47 and march on Washington himself?  In my universe he would.  Alas, Tom isn’t here and so we sit on the precipice of our plunge into the depths of socialism, and well, nobody seems to care.

Our fearless leader, basking in the glow of his glorious win is walking around the country doing nothing but talking like a bloated wind bag expounding on “his victory.” He’s talking to 9/11 victims.  He’s negotiating with terrorists.  He’s basically just a face on the news.  Meanwhile our “leaders” in Washington work on how to best put the steak into the heart of democracy.  We keep hearing how capitalism has failed us.  We keep hearing how the evil corporations are tearing out the heart of our country and are stealing money from the working man.  We keep hearing about how “Obama won.”  Hey, President Obama, I’d like to point out EVERYONE IN OFFICE WON.  And just when our president starts to get my blood pressure rising to the point of a stroke, I take a slow look around me.  You know what, A bloated, talking head, greedy windbag really is an accurate representative of what our country has become.  The people get what they deserve.

Which leads me back to all this talk about how capitalism and the market have “failed’ us. So I was inspired to come up with a list of some of the failures of our system.  I mean we keep hearing about it on the news, so it must be true right?  So let’s take a look.  Lets see just how our system has failed us.  Well, it gave us airplanes.  Huge failure.  Cars, yeah, also a huge failure.  Telephones, records, tapes, dvds, VCRs, radios, news papers, and movies… also huge failures.  Media not your bag? How about some high tech failures for you. What about PC’s, cell phones, laptops, the internet, HD televisions, home theaters, and the sham wow.  Well, we can’t really take credit for the sham wow, that was invented in Germany.  Hmm.. too high tech for some, let’s go a little low tech, the steel industry low tech enough for you? Recreation your bag?  How about carbon-fiber golf clubs and hockey sticks.  Hmm.. how about services.. you know, simple things like electricity, running water, city sewage, cable tv, and natural gas?  Yeah.. the system really has failed us in a big way.

I won’t deny being annoyed at corporate America at times.  There is no mercy for me with my retarded high interest credit cards.  I get no respite in watching my butt from banks trying to take my $32 when I overdraft or my $2 from the ATM.  Yes, it gets annoying having to watch out for myself sometimes.  However, I’m willing to put in the time because it is my money.  It’s my butt and in the end, it’s my responsibility to take care of myself and read the fine print.  For some reason that idea is totally foreign to a lot of people.  They expect to be taken care of and watched out for.  Guess what people, when someone is out there watching you, they are taking away your freedom.

Could anyone reading this imagine actually getting into a gunfight over their job?  I know I couldn’t.  However it happened in the past of this country.  It happened in the late 1800’s at a steel plant in Pittsburgh.  Now, those were some hard core workers!  They wanted their jobs so bad they were willing to die for them.  Now, most people feel that they deserve a job. They are entitled to make eighty grand a year to start doing nothing but jockeying a computer sitting in a cubical.  Anyone out there willing to die for an Office Space job?  Didn’t think so.  Yet people expect that they be granted this job and this salary.  They don’t feel they should have to fight for it.

With that in mind, it is no surprise to me that in the face of adversity, the collective of American sheep are running to the big daddy US government to “come save us.” Make the hurting stop Uncle Sam!  I don’t’ want to have to fight through this myself.  I might have to drive a Honda instead of a Lexus.  I might have to go on a camping trip instead of to the outer banks.  I might have to have a 3 bedroom house instead of a 6 bedroom one.  Oh.. the horror!  Remember all those things that Corporate America gave us to make our lives easier?  Perhaps they’ve also made us soft.

The problem is, when the dust settles and the crisis is past, we’ll have given away yet another of our freedoms.  The US government now owns stock in private companies.  I want everyone to read that and let the gravity of that statement settle in, so I’m going to write it again.  The US government now owns stock in private companies.  It’s a horrifying prospect.  One that would have the likes of  Mr. Jefferson suggesting that all of us should be heading to the local gun shop to gather arms.  Because once the government get’s it’s claws into private industry, claws into the people are only a short step away.

I’m going to end this by putting two quotes up for you to read.  The first is the 10th amendment.

“The powers not delegated to the United States by the Constitution, nor prohibited by it to the States, are reserved to the States respectively, or to the people.”

The Second is a quote from Wikipedia

“Interpretations of the amendment can be divided into two camps. The first interpretation, as held by the Tenth Amendment Center, most of the Founding Fathers, the Libertarian and Constitution Parties, and a few Republicans including Ron Paul and Jeff Flake, is that the Constitution does not grant the United States any power that it does not expressly mention. This has been used as the basis for such court cases as Gonzales v. Raich, and for arguments in favor of repealing a large number of Federal laws, abolishing the Federal Reserve, and drastically slashing the Federal budget by 50% or more. It is also why amendments were necessary for the abolition of slavery and the prohibition of alcohol – without said amendments, Congress did not have the authority to do those things.
The contrary opinion, as held by most of the current U.S. Government, is that the Constitution grants Congress the authority to do more or less anything that is not explicitly prohibited by the first eight amendments.”

Here is your food for thought.  If the founding fathers though that the first interpretation was the correct one… why the HELL are we even considering the contrary opinion as valid?

Yup, fascinating, I know.

In other news, I can’t believe we have to go to work tomorrow. It’s pretty annoying. I mean, once every four years we get a new president. They can’t make it a holiday? This is the first and only time we will ever get to see the first non-white person get sworn in as president, and I’m probably going to be in a meeting about time sheets. It’s pretty annoying.

.:: Dustinland 01.19.08 ::.

The situation regarding Sale On Senate Seats is getting worse, so I thought a little follow-up to my Christmas column might be in order due to developments over the past week, especially the reaction of the press. In case you’ve been living under a rock, or been busy watching some highly boring bowl games, Rod the Mod has thrown a middle finger to the National Body Politic by attempting to appoint someone to President Obama’s seat, despite being blasted more than your average inhabitant of Gaza for doing so. And we here in Chicago sit giggling at the apoplexy of the rest of the country over this development. If you think we’re a joke for this happening, the joke’s on you.

Before I tell you why you’re such a laugh factory, I’ll digress for a moment and reflect on the Gaza situation. Isn’t it time that the whole world just says Screw It and throw up their hands? Let them fight it out once and for all. Time to declare Total Worldwide Embargo on Israel and the Palestinian Authority, with a message saying “Call us when you have a winner.” Hell In A Cell as International Diplomacy. Wouldn’t your estimation of Condi Rice go up if she said that as her going-away gift (until she becomes NFL Commissioner after Goodell fails to reach a new labor agreement)? Wouldn’t your estimation of Hitlary go up if she said that? It’d throw Republicans for a loop, especially in what we might call the less-enlightened areas of the country that tend to skew heavily red. Imagine that quandary in November 2010: “They support killing babies and letting faggots marry, but, hey, they don’t give money to Jews, so there must be something good about them!” But more about playing the Race Card later, when we get back to the main discussion.

We Americans win in two ways:

1) We can divert the foreign aid we’re throwing at a First World country (namely, Israel) to places that really need it. Most of you know that I’ve spent the last twenty years dealing with food and water safety. Since I have a great deal of free time right now, being a victim of the Bush Economy, I’ve made some inquiries to various charitable organizations about playing Mighty Whitey in Zimbabwe, a situation that’s breaking my heart…yes, I have a heart. It’s in there somewhere. Take the money that’s earmarked for Israel, and offer it to Zimbabwe to fix up their water and sewage infrastructure, just as long as the new infrastructure is tested by flushing Mugabe down the toilet. This is the 21st Century. Cholera is easily preventable. We know what causes it. We know that it can be stopped with the proper application of money. Noo Yawk hasn’t had an outbreak of cholera since 1892, and if we can stop it in that pestilential hole, Harare is no problem. So do it. Do you know how much good international press the US can get from both sides of this transaction?

2) The Saudis can go back to arms dealing in order to fill in the gap. This will give them a secondary income flow that will lessen the need to shore up falling oil prices, keeping gas prices low. I have a dream that one day, I’ll be able to do something I haven’t been able to do since 2000: fill up for under a buck a gallon. This plan can bring us one step closer to fulfilling that dream.

Enough about international politics. As we know, all politics is local, and my local political situation has accumulated enough interest outside our little enclave for me to address it again. Over the past week, the following has occurred:

1) Rod the Mod, despite being out on bail, has announced an appointment to the senate seat of President Obama.

2) The prospective senator is Roland Burris.

3) Roland Burris happens to be black.

Somehow, someway, these facts have converged and diverged simultaneously. For some people, they’re one issue. For others, they’re three separate issues. This is where you benefit by having me commenting on this. Remember, my degree is in Physics…oh, yeah, that reminds me. I have to go down to campus and grab the new edition of the University of Chicago Nobel Prize Winners T-shirt. Mine went out of date a couple of months ago when we won another one, in my field. So yah, boo, sucks to you. Now…as someone with a degree in Physics, I’m used to phenomena like this. It’s Quantum Mechanics as politics, and I’d be willing to lay a lot of money on the fact that the commentators are not as cognizant of the implications of this as I am. It hampers their ability to explain what’s actually going on. I, however, know how to deal with this, despite being slightly out of practice. I’ll solve this like any problem in quantum mechanics: apply transformation, separate the wave phenomena, solve for each individually, then combine in a proper fashion for a solution to the equation.

So, let’s start the process…

The first thing to do is to apply the transformation and solve the first part of the equation. Here’s something that the national media seems to be ignoring: until he is impeached, Blago is still the governor of Illinois. He is still in office. It is hypocritical of anyone from the opposition to say otherwise, given the situation surrounding Mister Intertubes himself, Ted Stevens, still fresh in memory. Stevens was not only indicted on corruption charges, but convicted of same when the election happened. He said he would have taken his Senate seat had he won, leaving up to the Senate to expel him. If Stevens was given the opportunity by the idiots in Alaska to exercise his authority granted to him by the voters, and if six hundred Alaskans of indeterminate species had voted differently, he would have been, why isn’t Blago allowed to do so? Until he or the Illinois Legislature says otherwise, he is the governor of Illinois.

The Illinois Constitution states that it is up to the governor to appoint people to vacancies in the US Senate. Rod the Mod is still governor, regardless of current legal status (and, remember, as of this writing, he hasn’t been indicted). It is his duty under the law to fill that vacancy, preferably before the Senate is seated next week. There is no legal reason to prevent this appointment, despite what Jesse White is trying to do in preventing it from receiving official sanction. Uh, Jesse, may I suggest that you clean up your own house at the Secretary of State’s office instead of flailing over this? Have you been to one of your Illinois Department of Motor Vehicles outlet marts lately? It’s disgraceful. Just affix the seal to the executive order and stop trying to kiss Obama’s ass for a federal appointment, okay?

By the way, going back to Ted Stevens for a moment, if he had won and tried to take his seat, wouldn’t any effort to prevent him from taking his seat been regarded by our fiends at Fox News as being a purely partisan act by a set of “bad winners”? You know they would, despite the fact that Stevens was convicted. Blago hasn’t been convicted. He hasn’t even been indicted. Therein lies the difference.

Obama’s “authority” here in calling for Blago’s resignation and the blocking of filling the seat is purely moral and purely ineffective; all he can do is say things, without the power to make it so. It’s also pure pandering in the face of bad national press. He’s in too deep. He knows that if it goes on much longer, someone in the right-wing media is going to dig deeper into the Tony Rezko situation, in which he and Blago are joined at the hip. He knows from history that a president who goes into office crippled stays crippled, except under extraordinary circumstances. He has to get the heat off him and reflect the line that public opinion, whether reflected by or led by the press, is taking. Right now, that’s “throw the bums out.” So, yeah, we know what he’s doing. We saw it in the campaign with Reverend Wright. We’ll see it again when the bill comes in from the Church of Scientology for their support (and, remember, I told you about Marty Rathbun before anyone else).

There are two separate legal issues here which have to be pointed out. Jesse White is failing to do his duty under the Illinois Constitution by acceeding to the appointment. There is no prima facie reason to reject the appointment on a legal basis. The circumstances behind the appointment are unsavory, but not illegal. If the Senate tries to block Burris from being seated, that’s a clear violation of the Tenth Amendment.

As things stand right now, the appointment of Burris is legal. Whether it’s legitimate is a separate issue. The legitimacy of the appointment should be dealt with in the proper fashion. Burris has to run for re-election in 2010. Let the voters decide. That’s what American government is about.

The second issue is the least contentious. Roland Burris is probably the most respected politician in Illinois. He’s a Machine product, true, but there’s never been anything on him. He is loved in the community, by members of all races. His popularity ticks every demographic box. He’s probably the best person who could have been appointed given the circumstances. He has the public image of not being able to be bought. He didn’t seek this out. He’s been happy in quasi-retirement after a lifetime of quality service. He’s regarded as a first-class politician with a first-class legal mind. He’s also 71 years old, which helps establish the presumption that he’s going to do two years, not run again, and Illinois will have a chance to install someone with the appropriate level of legitimacy next November.

The most negative thing said about Burris is that he loves the limelight a little too much. Big deal. Oprah, Mike Ditka, and Michael Jordan love the limelight a little too much too, but we love them. Burris is popular, and it’s only the circumstances that make this appointment contentious. If the legal issues weren’t overwhelming everything else, this appointment would be praised. Commentators would be praising Illinois for appointing someone who’d follow in the steps of Dirksen, Douglas, and Simon, and Blago would have a step up on getting a third term. There is no prima facie reason to disqualify Burris on the basis of ability and track record. Is Burris corrupt? As much as any Chicago politician is. But he has been a good student of the Machine and followed the Main Rule that I elucidated in my last column. He’s taken only the Small Stuff, never gone for the Big Score, and never been caught. He’s not only never been caught, he’s never had a whiff of corruption surround him. For someone who’s spent decades in a political sewer, that’s amazing.

So, therefore, we have someone legally appointed who has a sterling reputation in all facets of the political game. The circumstances aren’t enough to disqualify him. There needs to be something else put in play by the media. Oh, wait, we know what to do, don’t we? And that leads us to Part The Third.

“Roland Burris has a chocolate-brown skin tone! Blago’s playing the Race Card in order to deflect criticism!” Two words: Bitch, Please. If you want to concentrate on deflection of criticism, concentrate on the fact that was provided in my explanation of Part The Second: Burris is squeaky-clean. His placement on the Pantone Chart is way down on the list.

Is Burris open to the charge of racial pandering? Well, yes, actually. It’s only because of his history. The Machine always had its House Negroes, ever since the black population in Chicago rose enough to require them (and they were disposable; when Alderman Benjamin Lewis was murdered in 1951, a crime that remains unsolved to this day, another part was put in his place). Harold Washington was a Machine House Negro, something that’s a convenient target for revisionist historians who see him as some kind of breakthrough instead of putting him in his proper place in the continuum of Chicago Politics. Burris was the last of the line, a dependable black Democrat who wouldn’t go against the Machine (well, among blacks, anyway; there are any number of House Hispanics still in office here). He’s always known how to play the game. He knew the path to power required him to play this role, and did so. When the opportunity to transcend this status occurred, he took it and established enough of a reputation and popularity to make his skin tone irrelevant to Illinois voters. His identity here is that of Politician, not Black Politician, something people outside of Illinois don’t understand. The history of Chicago politics in terms of race is truly ugly, but there’s always been that opening for skilled politicians of any race to be put on that path to power I was talking about. The initial stage may have required playing the role of a token, but Chicago politicians have always had a talent at putting aside personal repugnance when need be.

Here’s another little fact that people are ignoring: Blago’s hands were tied in this appointment. He had to replace the only black in the US Senate, in a state where his base of support is heavily black. Most of the obvious candidates for the appointment happen to have been black: Jesse Jackson Jr., Bobby Rush, Valerie Jarrett. The only white candidate he may have been able to get away with was Jan Schakowsky, whose appeal also happens to cut across racial lines. Burris was the best choice in this regard, especially after Jackson was tainted by the situation. Crossing party lines to appoint someone wasn’t an option, not with the Senate one Minnesota recount and one disgruntled Republican away from a filibuster-proof majority. He had to appoint someone of color to the post. Anyone familiar with Chicago politics understands that. Of course, that excludes most of the national media, who are playing this angle up to no end.

By the way, Blago could have avoided all of this, including the legal action, had he done what I suggested on Election Day: do a pre-emptive strike and appoint Rahm Emanuel before Obama got his hands on him. Yeah, it would have caused a firestorm with the Republicans and the right-wing media, but that would have been fun. If the election results weren’t enough, this would have been the ultimate kick-’em-while-they’re-down move. And, believe it or not, no one would have complained about any racial aspects. Emanuel has that cut-across-racial-lines appeal that Burris does.

Is the fact that people are playing the Race Card on this issue disappointing? Yes, if you’re of the belief that the Race Card was killed with extreme violence and buried in a concrete vault a thousand miles beneath the Earth on November 4th. I’m not one of them. Remember, I grew up in Chicago politics. If you have what you perceive to be an advantage, use it. So it isn’t disappointing to me that members of the media are grabbing on to this like a starving dog on raw meat. It’s simply the result of having nothing else to grab on to. It’s a sign that we still haven’t progressed to true social enlightenment.

So where does that leave us? If you’re against this appointment, you’re flailing against the darkness. Any action that might prevent Burris from taking his seat is of the delaying kind, until the Illinois Legislature can get back into Springfield next week and start the impeachment proceedings in an attempt to nullify the appointment. But as of right now, there’s nothing illegal going on here. There’s nothing even illegitimate. It’s Illinois government working as it always has. Remember, we’re the state that’s sent four of its last six governors to the Big House. And if you regard this attitude as people in Illinois dropping trou on the rest of the country, like political cartoonist Daryl Cagle did a few days ago…well, it’ll give all of you the opportunity to see what a great ass I have.

EJS – 1/2/2009

See you in ‘09 with more self deprecating crap!

.:: Dustinland 12.29.08 ::.

Holy crap! I don’t know what drugs this blogging tool is taking, but cut your dosage in half. Nice shtick, poseur, but you would already be dead if you said any of this stuff out loud to actual people.

1) If you were a regular reader of my work, and the fact that you’re not indicts you in so many ways, you would know exactly what I’m on. To refresh memories, that would be Cymbalta, Seroquel, Xanax, and K-Dawgs. I not only have admitted it, I’ve done extended columns on it. Readers in Wrestling still remember the column I did when Regal came out with his autobiography and admitted what drugs he used, and I compared my experiences on the same drugs. So now you know.

2) Poseur? Moi? Oh, you aren’t a regular reader of me, are you?

3) I’ve said the same thing to people in public, and worse. Guess what? I’m still here. You, however, are now a target of my rabid fanboys. The moment I declare YAM on someone, it’s Pavlov Ding-Dong Time.

Don’t bother responding to this. And change your handle and stop insulting the good name of Yukon Cornelius.

Now, to business…

I’ve had a number of people write me asking me my opinion on the situation surrounding a certain Governor of Illinois and certain alleged acts of malfeasance he may or may not have committed. As a Chicago Democrat, obviously I’d be knowledgeable on the subject and have a certain inside perspective, being of a certain age (44, in case you lost count) and having been through many of these scandals during my lifetime. Well, goody for you, because I’ve reached the end of my particular rope in re the editorial cartoons and commentary in various publications, electronic and dead-tree, from people who don’t have that perspective.

Let’s deal with the two separate issues that are in play here. The first one is the alleged obscene language that Rod the Mod used. I have to admit that I’m at a handicap here. Widro, in his futile attempt to make this site seem more professional in order to get us a Wikipedo entry and a feed on Google News (just like 411!), essentially banned the use of the more blatant obscenities here a while back. As anyone who’s ever read me knows, this places me at a disadvantage. I’m no longer allowed to pull a Spider Jerusalem and submit a five-thousand word column consisting of five thousand uses of a certain word beginning with F. And this points out something about Chicagoans. We know how to use uncouth language, and we learn it early. By the time we hit second grade, we know how to use the F Word as verb, noun, adjective, adverb, participle, gerund, conjunction, and parts of speech not yet discovered by linguistics experts. It’s Schoolhouse Rock as an HBO Original Series. And, nowadays, the kids are learning how to do it in English and Spanish. The only Americans who have greater facility with the F Word are Philadelphians, and even they’re getting more practice at using it these days thanks to a Chicagoan named Donovan McNabb.

So what does this mean? It means that Blago was speaking in a normal Chicago vocabulary. This is something not understood by people who reside in what The Demon Hosebeast Sarah Palin claimed was the Real America, the rural hinterlands where bitter people who cling to religion and guns believe that “Goddamn” will cause God to Damn you. We talk like this all the time. We talk like this to our friends and family. We talk like this at moments that some people might consider inopportune. For instance, my using the F Word to my father on his deathbed, preceded by the word “go” and post-scripted by “yourself”, when he asked me to forgive him for making my life a psychological toxic waste dump. A Chicagoan has to edit himself (or herself) when talking to people who are not Chicagoans in order to pander to their particular perception of obscenity. But if it’s Chicagoan to Chicagoan, anything goes.

And this lax attitude extends to Chicago politicians. Let me tell you a little historical secret. It involves the gentleman who has been serving as mayor of our fine city for the last two decades. He, of course, learned politics at the feet of his father, The Greatest Mayor In The History Of The Known Universe. Part of his education took place at the 1968 Democratic Convention. The fact that police and protesters were bashing the living crap out of each other while their home neighborhood was hosting the convention took a slight toll on Daleys pere and fils. During the rioting, Senator Abraham Ribicoff of Triple H’s Home State got up to speak, and started condemning the actions of the police, who were there, of course, to preserve disorder (Mayor Daley’s words, not mine). During the speech, the live television cameras panned over to the Daley family, who were screaming at Ribicoff. Of course, due to the noise, you couldn’t hear what either of them were saying. However, they were on camera long enough for experienced lip-readers to catch what Mayor Present and Mayor Future were yelling. And you can probably figure out what one of the more frequent words used was. Please note the situation: the mayor of Chicago and his son were screaming the F Word at a US Senator on live national television. A denial was quickly put out by the mayor’s then-press secretary, Earl Bush, thus proving that liars named Bush are present in both political parties. To this day, Richie denies he ever said that to Ribicoff. Of course, he has to deny it due to social mores. But he certainly sees nothing wrong with it. Nor does any other Chicagoan.

To Chicagoans, our use of the F Word has proven something that Lenny Bruce posited in his routines in the early Sixties: the more frequent the use of an offensive word, the less power it possesses to offend. Unfortunately, Bruce was never able to prove this using his specific example, and that’s clear on this site, where use of his example word is inevitably censored into “n*gger”, even in my Goes As Is columns. Another bit of irony is that, during Mayor Daley’s tenure, Bruce was arrested in Chicago for obscenity (ditto the much-missed George Carlin when Carlin was a young Bruce acolyte). Of course, Bruce wasn’t arrested for use of the F Word; Chicagoans didn’t even blink at that. He was arrested for what one might call blasphemy, by an Irish police captain who was offended by what Bruce said about the Pope. You don’t F with the Church in this town.

To summarize: if you’re offended by the Expletive Deleteds on Blago’s taped conversations, you’re not a Chicagoan and you don’t understand. So F off.

Now let’s get to the meat of things. We can all agree on one thing: Rod the Mod is Guilty Guilty Guilty. But here’s a point that most of you probably don’t understand: what he’s guilty of in your minds is vastly different than what he’s guilty of in ours. Let me explain.

You believe that he committed a crime by attempting to sell President Obama’s Senate seat. Technically, that is against the law, which makes it illegal. There’s also the feeling among you that his act was fundamentally immoral, a breach of the trust between the elected and those who elected him. That might be true in your minds. It’s not in ours.

What you call Illegal and Immoral, we call Business As Usual.

There is a axiom that Chicagoans learn from the cradle: Nothing Is Free. This is especially true in politics. The late Mike Royko summed up things quite well in regard to Chicagoans’ attitude toward what others see as corruption, and I’ll paraphrase here: the Cubs are on the North Side, the Sox are on the South Side, the sun rises in the morning and sets at night, and the politicians are corrupt. They always have been. They always will be. And it doesn’t matter what party they’re from. Remember that the high water mark of gangster activity in Chicago took place under a Republican mayor (the last one, ever). Chicagoans know this, and compensate for this, like the Internet compensates for damage. Except that this isn’t damage to the system, it’s a fundamental part of it. We work with corruption and incorporate it into the running of the system and the expectations of the results of that system.

We also find it to be efficient. Put Money A Into Pocket B makes it much easier to get things done. We go into this knowing exactly what we’ll have to pay to get results. It’s still going on today. No, it isn’t as blatant as it was when I was growing up and the Machine was still strong and vibrant, but it’s still there. Who You Know and How Much You Got? is still more important than What You Know. So the fact that Blago put up a US Senate seat for auction…well, it’s a combination of Business As Usual and a nice, refreshing flashback to the pre-1913 days when state legislators appointed US Senators. Every Senate seat could be bought back then. It was the nature of the game. And it’s still the nature of the game to us. If you want something, you are expected to pay for it. Gas, grass, or ass; nobody rides for free.

Now, I stated earlier that we think Rod was guilty too, but the reason why is different than yours. Here’s that difference: you think he’s guilty of corruption by attempting to sell a Senate seat. We think he’s guilty of violating a fundamental law of Chicago politics: Only Take The Small Stuff. In the 1890s, a very intelligent alderman named Michael Kenna, nicknamed “Hinky Dink” due to his lack of height, established a formula which has served us well ever since: if you’re going to be corrupt, don’t go for the Big Score, no matter how tempting it may be. Stick to small bits of graft, on the logical, intelligent principle that if you do it enough, you’ll make the same as you would from the Big Score and not expose yourself to any risks. Don’t shake down anyone for more than they’re willing to pay, because you’ll risk not getting anything. Set the price appropriately, take their money, and then deliver, because you don’t want to alienate someone who might be a future customer for your services.

Kenna knew what he was doing. He and his extrovertive partner in aldermanic follies, Bathhouse John Coughlin (his nickname originated due to his early employment as a rubber in a Turkish bath, not from any particular sexual predilictions…although from the way he dressed, you might have some suspicions in this regard), controlled the Levee, Chicago’s consolidated red-light district from the late 1880s to 1915. They established principles of graft that made everyone rich, from themselves to the police chain of command that took the payouts to the operators of the booze joints and brothels. Even the white slavers got rich; they knew that their particular crime required more in the nature of payment to protect, and they paid it. Nobody got greedy, nobody paid out more than they could afford or were willing to pay, and nobody complained. Iron discipline was maintained; if a cop decided to go for the Big Score, it was perfectly acceptable for the intended victim to go up the chain of command and file a grievance. It would be dealt with, and previous levels of renumeration would be restored.

This way of doing business has been maintained over the decades. Every Chicagoan learns through osmosis who to bribe, when to bribe them, and what the going rate is. If I get stopped by a Chicago cop while driving, the procedure is simple: I make my drivers’ license photo resemble that of another truly great Illinoisan, Hiram Ulysses Simpson Grant (to prove that inflation can take a toll on your looks, my license photo used to resemble Andrew Jackson). I carry a 50 on me at all times for this very purpose. If on the off-chance said policeman declines the offer, I proceed to look sheepish and tell him, “Sorry, I keep that there for emergencies like cash for a tow.” It’s simpler on everyone involved. The cop doesn’t have to write out the ticket. I don’t have to pay it. He and I don’t have to go to court in case I try to fight it. He gets a nice picture of an American hero for his time spent pointing out my infraction. I feel better because I don’t have to have a picture of a Republican in my wallet. Everyone wins.

And the attitude is reciprocal. Let me tell you why, in October, there’s going to be an announcement that we will be hosting the world in our front yard for a couple of weeks in 2016. We know who to bribe, when to bribe them, and what the going rate is. You thought that the IOC got a black eye from the shenanigans regarding the 2002 Winter Olympics? Those Mormons have nothing on us. We’ll give them what they want. That house near Cannes overlooking the nude beach? No problem. Oprah in a donkey show? She’ll do it. That small African nation you’ve had your eye on? We can make it happen. The Cariocas, Madrilenos, and Otaku have scruples. We’ve had them surgically removed at birth. Chicago delivers even better than Anonymous.

As you can probably tell by now, my point is this: Blago went for the Big Score. That’s his crime. And he got busted for it. He violated the fundamental nature of the system and paid the price. He should have known better. His father-in-law is a long-serving Chicago alderman. He was the protege of a Congressman who spent time behind bars for going after the Big Score and getting busted for it. We’re not upset because he’s corrupt. We’re upset because he’s a goddamn moron. We don’t like electing morons in Illinois. We’re the state that sent Everett Dirksen, Paul Douglas, and Paul Simon to the US Senate, not to mention a certain lecturer from Ye Olde Scrivener’s Alma Mater to the White House. It doesn’t make us look good.

Do we Chicagoans take pride in what you consider corruption? Yes. Yes, we do. It’s because of corruption that, in general, the city runs well. It’s clean, it’s relatively safe, the snow gets removed quickly, the garbage gets hauled out on a regular basis, we have a public transport system that’s the envy of most American cities, our roads get repaired on a regular basis, and our quality of life is improved. If you think that those things are your right as tax-paying citizens, then you’re not a Chicagoan. And you will never understand us. And if you don’t understand us, don’t pass judgement on us and on our politicians. We can do that perfectly well, by the standards that those politicans are expected to uphold. Our standards, not yours.

.:: Dustinland 12.15.08 ::.

Ah yes.. the buzzword of the 08 election.  Change.  Well, the constituency bought it hook, line and sinker and voted for change.  They put into office a man that has limited senate experience, a dubious voting record at best, and little to no executive experience.  Hey, but what’s experience really worth anyway?  We’re getting CHANGE!  We’re getting “alternative energy.” We’re getting.. we’re getting.. we’re getting… Do I sense a theme here?  So.. how is this change coming about?  Let’s take a look:

Mr. Obama’s choice for Chief of Staff…. Rahm Emanuel.. former Clinton advisor.  Wait.. Clinton advisor?  Must be a coincidence… we voted for change.  Clinton is the past.

Mr. Obama’s choice for human service’s secretary.. Tom Daschel.  Yes.. Daschel.. nothing says change like a senator who was voted out of office several years ago and served under Clinton.

Mr. Obama’s choice for a top economic advisor Lawerence Summers.  You guessed it, former treasury secretary under Bill Clinton

This list could go on and on, but I think we only really need to mention one more appointment to get the drift of where this is going.  Mr. Obama’s choice for Secretary of State?  Hilary Clinton. Yep.. nothing says change like the old guard, Washington cronyism in it’s purest form.

So, what other bold sweeping change is Mr. Obama announcing.  Well, he’s going to stimulate the economy with 2.5 million jobs by 2011?  His plan to do this?  Revamp roads, schools and bridges.  Yep, public work projects.  Nothing says change like the New Deal.  Maybe Mr. Obama should read his history books before stepping into the Whitehouse.  Seems like another president tried to stimulate the economy this way.  Perhaps you have seen the TV footage of it.  I hear Joe Biden has a copy.  Yep.. you guessed it.  We need to look all the way back to 1935 and FDR to get a glimpse of how bad this plan is going to fail.

It amazes me how for over a year now all we have heard about is change, and before the man is even in office, all he is doing is giving us more of the same.  I’m sure the arguments will come about how well the economy did under Bill Clinton, the problem is Clinton was riding an economic boom spurred on by Reganomics and the birth and boom of the internet.  All anyone has to do is take a look at the downturn at the end of Clinton’s presidency to see just how little he really did.  Now, it’s 8 years later and the old boys are back again.  What damage are they going to do this time?  Well.. I guess it’ll be some form of change right?

And yet we trudge on down roads that we’ve taken before with people we’ve seen before.  Where is the change?  Where is it going to come from?  The real question is, did people even know what they were voting for when they stepped into the booths or did they just make the gut reaction of “I  need someone other than Bush and his party because gas is expensive and I might lose my job.”  It’s a scary time when people make their vote based on media clips, propaganda and buzzwords instead of sitting down and looking at the facts and policies that are being presented to them.

Say what you will.. the next four years are going to be interesting at the very least.  At least it isn’t more of the same from John McCain…. right?