I’m crying.

I haven’t cried on an election night since 1992. But I’m crying now. Just like my fellow former resident of Hyde Park/Kenwood, Jesse Jackson.

Election Night 1992 was the end of a twelve-year nightmare. Election Night 2008 ended eight years of unimaginable hell. It began that nightmarish day in December 2000 when the Supreme Court caused me to lose my respect for every single legal institution in the United States. Since then, it’s been suffering. Constant, utter suffering.

I still stand by what I said in 2001: there would have been no September 11th had Nobel Peace Prize Winner Al Gore been elected as he should have been. Most of the decade, our brave men and women in the military have been involved in two wars that should never have happened. Thousands of our people killed, hundreds of thousands of Iraqis and Afghanis dead, JJ Botter with a couple of Purple Hearts… I felt a lot of guilt for helping send guys down to Gulf War: The Prequel. If I’d still been in (and I would have; I would have only reached my Twenty earlier this year), a noose might have been an option. Then came the skyrocketing gas prices; I remember almost vomiting seeing the first three-buck-a-gallon gas back in Kansas (well, first time in the US, anyway; I certainly saw it in Europe). Then Katrina and the unimaginable, deadly screw-ups that accompanied it; it shocks me, absolutely shocks me, that Lousyana went for McCain. Then Wall Street going tits-up. Every time you reach the bottom of the barrel, there’s a new bottom to be found.

And I told you that this would happen. I told you back in 2000. I reiterated it in 2004. You didn’t listen. You are a bunch of morons.

But now it’s over.

It really ended at 8:36PM Central Standard Time. That was the minute that CNN called one of my former states of residence, Ohio, for Obama. People bitch and moan about the Kennedys and their power in Brady Fellation Land, not to mention about my home in re the Daleys. Why doesn’t anyone complain about the Tafts in Ohio? Even though Ohio elected Republican presidents before the Tafts came around, the power of that family coalesced the GOP there and has lasted for a century, ever since the Tafts gave us the fattest president in US history on Election Night exactly one hundred years ago. Four generations of stranglehold for the Republicans, culminating in Kenneth Vote-Fraud’s screwing of John Kerry four years ago. And now it’s broken. God bless you, Cuyahoga County. God bless you, Tuscawaras County. When I lived near there eight years ago, I’d never have imagined that you hicks would have ever gone Demo. God bless you, C-Bus, the home of the best Anon chalkers in the business. You did it.

Same with you, Virgins. Without you, Obama couldn’t have claimed at 10:00PM Real American Time when CaliNeptune closed their polls. The last time you voted for a Demo, I was still four weeks from being born. Now, if those idiots in Indiana can follow suit, maybe I can go there Sunday to buy cigarettes with a clear conscience. But I’ll probably submit this before those results come in.

You want a quick translation of McCain’s concession speech? “Blame the n*ggers. It’s their fault.” Blame the spics too. They went 2-1 for Obama, you know. And there are a lot of them here now who are, somehow, eligible to vote. And did you catch Tina Fey’s body language on that stage? Oh, did she not want to be there. She’s going to get her ass back to Juneau tout suite and try to fight the ethics charges that she’ll face until her time to face the voters. Buh-bye, honey. For now, that is.

I went to the polls around 10:30AM. There were about twenty booths made available. Nineteen were filled after I got my ballot. A few minutes later, my vote for Obama was registered. In fact, the parking lot at the church/polling place was so crowded that it took me longer to get inside the polling area than it did for me to vote. I definitely felt better than I did during the last election. Four years ago, I was in Kansas. Voting for Kerry and for the Senate candidate was definitely equivalent to micturition in that backwater. Dubbaya and Brown-Nose were going to take those races no matter what I did short of assassination, and maybe not even then. But this time? You know, twelve years ago, if I was living in the middle of DuPage County like I am now, it would have been another trip to the toidy to whip it out and let loose. Not now. Twelve years ago, it would have been a sea of fat white old faces in that polling area who would rather have had genital piercings than voted for a Democrat. Today, I actually represented the median age of the group inside. Young professionals, mothers and fathers bringing in their children, faces that ran the Pantone Chart all the way from Ivory to Chocolate with no break in between. The demographics are changing. No longer are the Chicago suburbs lily-white conservatives. That diversity makes me more comfortable living here.

This was reflected in one of the few competitive races on the ballot here, US House of Representatives Illinois 13th District (it was quite saddening to see all of those unopposed Republican criminals on my ballot, let me tell you). Judy Biggert, the incumbent, is highly-respected, even by me. She’s a moderate Republican, definitely old-school. No religious pandering from her, just a solid pragmatic conservativism. She’s still a reasonable reflection of the population of her district. She was opposed by a gentleman named Scott Harper, a local product with an MBA from The University Of Chicago, so obviously he had my vote regardless of party affiliation. And, as I’m writing this, it’s a close race, within a couple percentage points. Normally, Biggert would have taken it without breaking a sweat. In fact, Harper would have probably won without those yahoos in Will County. We simply can’t wait until the 2010 census to incorporate Joliet into the Chicago area. It must be done now to turn them into proper Democrats.

And things must be done to the Red States to turn them into proper Democrats. The Oklahomos, for instance. They re-elected that repulsive little troll James Inhofe, who needs to be castrated like a steer, then chained up at the Habana Inn in Oklahoma City and gang-sodomized by truckers. You all know my plan for Kansas. And as for Nebraska…oh, I don’t know. Remember, their new senator Mike Johanns used to be my boss when he was Secretary of Agriculture. I lived in Lincoln when he was governor, and found out that he had a pretty wicked sense of humor. Republican, yes, but possibly worthy of survival in the New World Order, if only as court jester.

And there will be changes. It’s not only Democrats taking over. It’s Chicago Democrats. We don’t tolerate Republicans in our territory. And on January 20th, that territory will be the United States of America. Regrettably, we cannot take over as much as we need to. We couldn’t make the nut on the filibuster-proof Senate, although it looks pretty good right for Al Franken as I write this. If Ann Coulter’s head explodes from that little fact, I want it on YouTube now. It’s going to be a fun four years, watching Fat-Ass Limbaugh and his persuasion flailing impotently, raging against the dying of their night. I want them impotently flailing against the universal health care that will definitely be passed this time around. I want the New Deal-style programs that will be necessary to lift this country out of the recession. I want the Joe The Plumbers taxed to pay for these programs. I want more government regulation of everything, because, hey, I’m a trained government regulator. Socialism? No problem by me. My Marxism does tend toward Groucho, but I can see the benefits. And you’ll get to see them to, shoved in your faces if necessary. Rod the Mod can start the process in Illinois by appointing Rahm Emanuel to Obama’s seat. Oh, do the Republicans hate his guts big-time.

Excuse me while I continue crying while giggling intensely. I just can’t help it.

Okay, now that the partisanship is over, I know you want to know. How do some of the national figures of la belle femme persuasion rate on the Hot For Teacher Scale? For those of you who are new, the Hot For Teacher Scale came about when I was resident in Kansas and saw the true MILF potential of Governor Kathleen Sebelius. She is still the gold standard, rating a 100. How do others rank?

Senator-Elect Jeanne Shaheen: 70
Senator-Elect Kay Hagan: 87
Former Senator Elizabeth Dole: Used to be a 90, now firmly in GMILF territory
Mary Landrieu: 90, going up to 95 during Mardi Gras after the third drink
Hitlary: Dropped from a 60 to a 45 in the midst of this campaign. But Chelsea has really blossomed into a semi-hottie.
Michelle Obama: Not my type, but objectively, let’s face it, high 70s.
House Speaker For Life Nancy Pelosi: 25. She’s a battle-ax, but I’m glad she’s on my side. I think she’ll actually go for my program of denuding Kansas of all life and using it as a concentration camp for registered Republicans.
My Representative Judy Biggert: A very strong 60
The Udall cousins…they’re male? Really?
Sarah Palin: Not with five condoms, seven proxies, and MOPP 4

Just a few other observations:

Hope that you enjoyed seeing a lot of Grant Park. It’s really beautiful, isn’t it? The weather’s been wonderful here the last week. It’s a very warm night for November (around sixty degrees). I hope, I hope, I hope, that members of the International Olympic Committee were watching. This is how truly lovely my city is, and if they recognize that, then we’ll be hosting the 2016 Olympics. And, no, you can’t stay at my place.

Bochephus should never, ever do an acoustic version of “Born To Boogie”. That song deserves as much electric power as possible behind it. Especially when the other side has all the great beats.

Does Bryan Singer, an out-and-proud gay man, know exactly what Tom Cruise’s cult says about gays? If he had known, he’d never have been involved in Valkyrie. And if you don’t know, Google the phrase “eliminate, quietly and without sorrow”. Of course, knowing some of you, you’ll probably be more attracted to Scientology due to that. Ungrateful bastards. Don’t you know that I’m attending these protests for you? And it’s expected to rain on Saturday here in Chicago. Great. We got saturated during the September protests.

Another ad observation: DividedWeFail.org actually strikes a chord with me. Nine years ago, I was forced to declare bankruptcy because of medical bills after my HMO coverage decided that the three surgeries I had weren’t really necessary. Yeah, right. If I hadn’t had them, someone would have had to pay for in-patient addiction treatment in re Vicodin and Hillbilly Heroin for me. So, support these guys. Besides, I’m less than a dozen years away from AARP myself.

And now, let the 2012 campaign begin. We’ve already seen the preliminaries. Sarah Palin has already positioned herself as Mike Huckabee 1.5. Hopefully, Joe Biden will die within the next four years so someone real can become Veep, or at least send him back to the Senate (he won re-election to his seat). Me, for instance. I’m four years younger than Obama, have a lot of charisma…okay, I’ll accept Governor Hot For Teacher, like I told Obama to do a few months ago. But the campaign never ends. There are evil Republicans in the House and Senate already preparing their mudslinging for 2010. My lord and master Hunter Thompson once said that politics is better than sex. It may or may not be better, but it sure lasts longer.

Last 5 posts by Eric Szulczewski

• More Pearls Before Swine - January 4th, 2009
• He's A Crook, But He's Our Crook - December 25th, 2008
• Surrender is an Option - September 5th, 2008
• Obama, Opinions, Etc. - June 16th, 2008
• Unlike Grut, I Will Spoil It For You... - July 21st, 2007