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Hodgepodgeatorium - As American as Apple Pie

By mathan erhardt ⋅ January 4, 2008 ⋅ Post a comment | Email the author

America is an amazing place. It’s the greatest country in the world. People from other countries literally put their life on the line just to get a chance at living here. But America could be better. In fact, America could probably knock off quite a few birds with one controversial stone; embracing methamphetamine.

Of course you’re probably thinking “why meth?”

Here’s why; it’s American made. Sure it may have been created by a Japanese scientist and mass produced by Germans, but it was American ingenuity that perfected it. Unlike cocaine and heroin, meth doesn’t have to cross the border to satisfy it’s need. In fact, chances are someone in your zip code is setting up their very own meth franchise as you read this.

Cocaine funds terrorism, at the very least Columbian terrorism. And heroin comes from plenty of places, including the Middle East. But meth can be whipped up from ingredients you can pick up at your local convenience store. And really, doesn’t everyone want to support the “Made in America” brand?

And think of all of the benefits that meth brings to the table. With that increased vigor employers could easily double the workday. That increased productivity means bigger paycheck and bigger profits, which in turn means we could probably get some of those outsourced jobs right back here in the US of A. And I don’t think that anyone’s against that.

Everyone knows that America is lagging behind the rest of the world in terms of science. But if we juke the stats a bit we could see a huge increase in the number of scientists in the country. After all scientists work in labs and meth is made in labs. So we do some quick reclassifying and we’re back in the global mix, scientifically speaking.

Meth has other ancillary benefits. We’re constantly being told that Americans are overweight. Well, meth has been proven to help people lose weight. Plus think of all of the extra work that dentists will get thrown their way. It’s clearly a win/win situation.

Why wouldn’t red blooded Americans support something that has so many obvious benefits? In this day and age Americans need to band together and support America. And meth is about as American as you can get. In fact it’s about as American as apple pie.

Because if you aren’t pro-meth, you’re anti-America and the terrorists have won.