As I write this, I am listening to “Hanging by a Moment” on repeat. You know that song – it came out in summer 2001. Well, even if you don’t, I remember it and it sort of fits what’s on my mind now. So here goes:

In our missing “Lost”, Boyfriend Turned Husband and I have taken to watching season one on DVD. (I can hear my Oldest Friend laughing at me now).

Sun, one half of the couple that Sawyer dubbed “Crouching Tiger Hidden Dragon”, lamented to Whiny Kate, “When I was a little girl, I thought that once I found the man I loved, I’d be happy.” I forgot that I wasn’t alone in the room and I scoffed. Loudly. In front of BTH. And of course, that disturbed him, because he felt like my reaction meant that I’m not happy with him.

No.

I yelled a mocking “Ha! Hahaha!” at the TV because I remember believing in that idea with every ounce of my being. It’s so embarrassing to admit it (of all the things that I’ve admitted to all of you), but I didn’t know any better. I was too busy allowing guys to treat me badly and then playing more than my fair share of wicked games to really examine the truth behind my faith. I liken my former belief to religious fervor – I was willing to endure too much for love’s salvation.

But even though I know better now, too many others, both younger and older than I, allow themselves to be treated so poorly in the name of Love or finding Love. As though the path to Love was laid on suffering and those who walk it deserve to be taken in by the wings of a great angel. And they deserve it; but that’s not what happens.

So, I found Love and I’m not rubbing that in. Really, I’ve actually found love in several different forms, and I bet that you have, too; it’s just that sometimes you can’t identify it until it’s left you. Even if you only loved that person for a few hours. But I have found the Love That You Marry (allow me to continue to be naïve; I still hold fast to the idea that there is only one of those, okay?). Some people are lucky and the Love of Their Life is the Love That They Marry. It doesn’t make that Love any less splendid if they are not the same; it just makes it a different but still beautiful experience.

Love itself does not make you eternally happy. It is no panacea. If you never remember nothing else that I’ve written or will write, then please at least remember that.

C.S. Lewis has already written The Four Loves, so I won’t attempt to restructure the idea. But consider that within Eros – the carnal love, the feeling of being in love, and the most dangerous of the four – there are layers just within that type of Love. The Love of Your Life, the Love That You Marry, the Fleeting Love all exist in that. Sometimes they overlap; sometimes you don’t experience them all.

Years ago, an ex told me about a woman, in her late 40s/early 50s and on her second marriage, for whom he’d done some work. (Somehow, the ex who’d spoken me the least out of any of the boyfriends that I had, was able to talk to all of his customers about things that some of my friends and I don’t touch upon for years.) She admitted that her current husband was not the Love of Her Life, but that she was satisfied because he treated her well, because she didn’t want for anything –

Didn’t she?

It reminded me of yet another song, “Stars and Moon” (from the best musical that you’ve never heard of, “Songs for a New World”). We think that we know what we want because we want so very many things – but those things are of this world – they are ephemeral. But when someone promises to give you something that you can’t fathom touching, that you cannot physically encircle with your own hands, you run, right? Because who promises the stars and moon to anyone?

People who don’t have the heart or the mind cannot promise that. Only the Love of Your Life has the capacity to promise the rare spectacular.

I don’t know where this is going; I just knew that I couldn’t hear Sun wax philosophical again until I wrote this.

Either way – whatever Love you’ve got, it doesn’t beget a blissful life, though it’s certainly one component of it. Love can be your shelter, but depending on the type, you’re either getting the shoddy protection of the Fleeting Love (probably a cardboard box) or a mammoth mansion (you decide, the Love of Your Life or the Love That You Marry). There is still Life with which to contend. No one should idealize Love because even with that, Life will still bring immense pain. And so will Love.

I never have answers but I’m okay with that; it’s better to just have ideas because at least you can change those instead of shattering the world as you know it with a belief that is disproved.

Last 5 posts by Melissa Montemale

• I'm Not Obsessed - July 25th, 2008
• It's Been a While - April 17th, 2008
• Protection - February 18th, 2008
• Generation Hook Up - February 6th, 2008
• Es Muss Sein - January 21st, 2008