There is a legend in Texas that I want to tell you about. It’s a legend about a ghost car…but not just any ghost car. There’s no “dead brother-in-law†at the wheel, no car that drives its self, no car that can kill your bullying enemies and then magically reassemble its self when no one’s looking. No, that’s the stuff of fantasy and Stephen King novels. This legend is much more real. It is the legend of the “Eliminator†and it goes like this:
Once upon a time there was a junkyard in central Texas. It wasn’t so much a rest home for old cars as it was a cemetery. It was a place where old cars went to die. One day, a trio of men in dirty duster coats and wide-brimmed hats spied a shattered 1930’s muscle car in between a ‘73 Mustang and a ’69 Dart. They paid the junkyard owner fifty bucks and hauled the car off to a little garage where they set to work on it immediately.
After two weeks worth of work, the car had been fixed up a bit – enough to be serviceable and be displayed in any small car show. The rust on its body had been sanded off, the engine had been de-greased, the holes in its seats had been patched, and new light bulbs had been placed in the headlamps. It was decent, but the three mechanics knew something else was needed to be done.
One afternoon, while they sat and sipped beers on the front porch of their house, the sound of a hundred Texan legends came into their ears and, as if propelled by undeniable forces, they sped off to the nearest auto parts store. When they returned, they added enough torque to the engine to sound meaner, more macho, more raw – raw like Marlon Brando in his prime. Then they painted the car red – red like the windbreaker James Dean wore in Rebel Without a Cause. Finally, they glossed it with a healthy dose of wax – enough that the car shone and felt as smooth as the hair of a young Elvis Presley.
Then they sat back and admired what they’d created: The coolest car to ever exist. And they named the car “The Elimnator†– for it would eliminate those that were not cool from the face of the Earth, bring justice to those who mocked a person’s inner ability to be cool, and just all-around kick some ass.
The three mechanics piled into the front seat and were forever transformed. They were no longer three dusty guys from Texas, but spirits walking the planet. Forever symbiotically bound to the car, they appeared and disappeared across the land like a hot Texas wind, bringing unimaginable happiness to those they found worthy of taking the chrome, double “Z†keychain from their spectral hands…
Ok, almost everything that I’ve just told you is a lie. The true story is that in the mid-1980’s, the band ZZ Top was looking for a cool piece of cover art for their upcoming “Eliminator†LP and they went with a graphic of a red car bearing down on the viewer. For their “Legs†music video (off of the album), they got a hold of a real car, painted it to look like the one in the art, made it the video’s focal point, and built a flimsy Cinderella storyline around the idea of the car transforming a loser into someone cool just by stepping inside it. The only kernel of truth in my story is that, without a doubt, the “Eliminator†is probably one of the (if not the) coolest car in the history of pop culture.
There’s just something about it that makes it cool. Maybe it’s the look, maybe it’s the idea of it having magical properties…I can’t say. It’s just cool.
Some years ago, the satirical newspaper “The Onion†ran an article about (then President) Bill Clinton receiving the keys, taking a ride in the car, and his approval ratings shooting up because of it. In other words, taking the story in the “Legs†music video and making it fit our reality.
That was some years ago and recently I got to thinking with a friend of who, right now, is deserving of the “Eliminator†honor. Who, in our culture, deserves to have the chrome double “Z†keys handed to them? Who deserves to be forced into the car by three lace and skimpily-clad ladies, treated to hours of shopping/changes, and then returned to the world, cooler than ever before? I know a few people do and so here’s who I came up with and why.
1. Bill Gates (computer and marketing legend) – Bill has gotten better, I gotta admit. Sure, he may still be a maniacal billionaire who seeks to buyout and crush his competition by cornering eighty-percent of the global computer world. But he’s a maniacal billionaire who’s given away around fifty-eight percent of his wealth to charities and begun to work (alongside his wife and others) on fixing global problems such as famine and basic health care for the poor. He’s become the Bono of the computer world (even gracing a cover of Time magazine next to the rock star), only he’s not as egotistical. I have to respect that.
All his charitable efforts might make him more favorable in the eyes of the masses, but it doesn’t make him “coolâ€Â. Let’s face it – no matter how much money he gives or what world leaders he meets with, he still looks…well, like a dork. In spite of his heart, he still looks like the kid you picked on in High School and who shows up at your twenty year reunion with enough dough to buy and sell you ass – with a smug smile on his face. That’s where the Eliminator comes into play. With the impending release of Windows’ latest O/S effort, Windows “Vistaâ€Â, wouldn’t it drive sales up to see him appear at the unveiling with a pair of shades, the top button on his (not cornflake blue) shirt unbuttoned, his hair swept back and a pair of spit-shined shoes? I think it would.
2. George Lucas (filmmaker) – George has gotten a lot of flack in the last ten years. Aside from Star Wars: Episode III kicking some good popcorn-movie butt, the nerd population has largely been harsh to him. First they slammed him for Jar Jar Binks, then they attacked him for his inability to write a love scene and then for releasing the original “Star Wars†trilogy on DVD in an “I don’t care how you remember the films, this is how I like them†way.
Though I side with the people who wanted to see the original films as I did on TV as a kid, I don’t come down on George too hard. He continues to be a pioneer in special effects and let’s be honest – he was right in saying that fans have been waiting twenty years to see Yoda whip out a lightsaber. I certainly couldn’t make the movies he made with the same amount of money, that’s for sure.
Still, George, similarly to Bill Gates, could use a little shot in the arm from the realm of “the coolâ€Â. Nerds like me still slobber over the next video game from Lucasarts and yes, they’ll still buy anything with his stamp of approval on it – but still, the nerds would grovel even more if he were to suddenly appear at a Hollywood gala with three spray-haired women wearing purple, white and pink lacy things. It would show the nerds of the world that “Yes, if you put down the ‘World of Warcraft’*, dust the cheese-puff crumbs off your legs and put your minds to it – this too, could be yours.â€Â
That’s the kind of idol everyone needs man.
3. Hilary Clinton (Senator, NY) – I don’t want to be accused of cappin’ on “The Onion†for their article about the “Eliminatorâ€Â, but after racking my mind for days, I couldn’t think of a third person more in need of a coolness boost than Bill Clinton’s wife.
Regardless what you think about her politics, you have to respect that she is the first woman with a serious chance at the American Presidency since…well, forever (unless you count Geraldine Ferraro, but she and Mondale were doomed before they ever got their campaign started). Still, she needs help. Why? Because she alienated the young.
Bill Clinton managed to recapture the heart of the American youth the last couple of years by first setting up shop in Harlem and then, making friends with old rivals in the name of helping out post-Katrina Americans. Hilary however, went on the rampage and joined up with the [arguably] delusional lawyer Jack Thompson in attacking video games such as “Grand Theft Auto: San Andreas†and “The Sims 2â€Â. As such, a lot of the youth in this country turned their backs on her. She needs the “Eliminatorâ€Â.
I don’t care if she planned to sell off the state of Hawaii to Polynesia once in office – if she showed up for a press conference with a make-over complete with white leather (or plastic) boots, I know who my vote would be going to in November.
So there you have it, three names, three simple celebrities who need to be cooler. Now, I take leave of you for another week. Next week, I’ll be back with a look at another pop-culture phenomenon: Television. More precisely: The scary, yet alluring mess of loud people and sadism that is Japanese television. In the mean time, I’d like to know your thoughts: What celebrities do you think need the “Eliminator�
* Yes, I know this is a near impossible task. I was speaking hypothetically.
Last 5 posts by
- Japantastic television - March 17th, 2006
- This week's weekly column from Scott "C" Fynboe - February 25th, 2006
- Torino or not Torino? - February 17th, 2006
- Fire up your thinking stove: Scott C’s got some more “small potatoes†- February 10th, 2006
- It's a nice day for a...wait, where are the weddings? - February 3rd, 2006
Comments are closed.