Every now and then, I like to clean out my mind of the “small potatoes” (the little things that for whatever reason don’t pan out into a full-length column) that I tend to come up with during the days. This is one of those times…

- I’m of Danish heritage so naturally I’ve been paying some attention to the news this past week. I wonder if it’s wrong that when I see the coverage, my first thought is: “Well, at least Denmark’s getting noticed. The last notable things we did were annexing Greenland and beating the Normandy coast up as Vikings…”

- If I ever take up writing a journal again, I think I’d like to start each entry with the words “Dear dairy”. It’s one of those things that are so stupid I find them great.

- Here’s another reason I wasn’t destined to become a scientist: I wonder – could you strip the genetic material out of a sperm and replace it with the genetic material of a woman’s egg? Could you make it so that a woman could have a baby with a close female friend…or her own self via “test tube fertilization”? Would it be possible for two women to conceive a male child? What would happen if two women had a baby together? Would it be a mutated human? If so, what kind of mutant? A good, X-man type mutant or a C.H.U.D.?

My God, take a moment and just think of the implications of this twisted science!

- I don’t care how popular the phrase is, I’ve decided that I don’t like the phrase “lose weight”. When I think of losing something, I think of “misplace a tangible object”. When you lose weight, you don’t lose it. It’s not as if you set ten pounds down and forgot where you put it. No, you’ve: decreased your weight, subtracted your mass, improved your self-image, reduced your risk of heart attack, stroke and diabetes, you’ve slimmed down and you’ve shed ten pounds – but you didn’t lose the weight.

The next time someone tells me that they’ve lost a bit of weight, I’ll ask them if they want me to organize a search party. If they think I’m just being sarcastic…they don’t know me very well.

- In the last decade, a lot of people have gotten tattoos. Tattoos have become a “vogue” thing…but whenever I see a young person with an extravagant one of say, a Metallica or death metal sort, I wonder what they’ll think of the tattoo when they’re middle aged or when they’re elderly and their skin is all wrinkled.

- Whatever happened to cartoon cereal mascots in commercials? It seems like there’s less and less of them these days. When was the last time you saw an actual ad with the “Honey Nut Cheerios Honeybee” or “Toucan Sam”?

- A few years ago TLC sang the song “Scrubs” and I still can’t figure out if they do or do not want a “scrub”. They sing “No, I don’t want no scrubs” which means they don’t want one, but then they sing “I don’t want no scrubs” and the rule of double negatives states that then, in fact, they DO want a scrub. I hate to bring this up as I’m sure others have done this before me, but dammit, which is it TLC – yes or no?!

- Speaking of music, I’ve got a couple questions for you.

1.) Have you heard of this thing called “Crazy Frog” (sometimes linked to something called “Jamster”)?

2.) Do you know anyone who really likes it?

Apparently, this [thing] did a remix of the song “Axel F” and I’m told it became a hit last year. I wouldn’t challenge that claim except that I haven’t met a single person who doesn’t find the thing really, really annoying. So I guess actually have a third question:

3.) Who the hell is buying copies of this single and/or putting “Crazy Frog” ring-tones on their mobile phones?

- The only reason I wanted a cell phone was to make its ring-tone be the sound the pager makes in “Grand Theft Auto III”. I also wanted the phone, as it’s ringing, to scroll the words “SHOTGUN DELIVERED TO HIDEOUT” across the screen. Sadly my phone does neither of these things. It’s just a phone…and now that I think about it, that’s really what I wanted.

- I saw a report this week on the surge in sexual predators using “Myspace.com” as a way to target victims who are dumb enough to post personal information such as a cell phone number and I got to thinking of a fun, “stuck inside on a snowy winter’s day” activity:

Instead of “Myspace”, use “LiveJournal” (since you don’t need to sign in and become a user). Using their “random journal” feature, find people who have posted their cell phone numbers and then call them. No wait, that’s pretty dangerous. You could get nabbed for doing something you weren’t intending to do. We need to make this into an innocent lesson for them…hmmm…I’ve got it.

Call the number to tell them how dumb they were to put their info on-line. If you need help, here, try this script I concocted:

“Hello, you don’t know me but I found your cell phone number on [your LiveJournal/the Internet]. Don’t worry, I have no bad intentions nor do I mean you no harm. I just wanted to call and let you know that if a random stranger like me can call you, the chances that someone whose intentions are less than good could find your number are very high. I hope that in the future you will keep a closer watch on your personal information. Remember, it’s not called ‘the world wide web’ because alliteration is fun. Thank you, and have a good day.”

Eh, it’s just a thought…

- Part of me applauds NY Attorney General Eliot Spitzer for his efforts to protect consumers, but sometimes I worry that he’s going after too many causes and spreading himself too thin.

- I really like the phrase “the bee’s knees”. It’s got that whole childish-yet-archaic thing going on.

- Nothing both saddens and angers me more than seeing a college student’s terrible spelling/grammar/writing on the Internet and then learning that that person wants to one day be “a famous writer” or an “English teacher”.

- I learned something this week: If you listen to the soundtrack to “The Three Amigos” enough times (on repeat), you really get up the desire to see the movie again.

- Valentine’s Day is fast approaching and I’ve been thinking about love and lovers. A lot of lovers say they want to look upon their love all the time – but they always refer to looking at the outside of their sweetheart. I wonder how many of us could stomach looking at the inside of our sweetheart. For example, if your lover had to have a minor knee surgery and you were told you could watch it on the little TVs they have in the hospital/operating room, would you? Would you really?

- Acting is a strange profession because they’re always thanking the other actors whenever they promote something: “Oh it was great to work with John Smith! He’s very charming and funny. Everyday he’d try and make me laugh on the set…” Imagine if that style of thanking was applied to other careers. Somehow I just can’t picture talking to a taxi driver and hearing him start saying “It was such a great thrill to work with Steve! The way he’d bark out fares to me over the radio was magnificent! Underneath that gruff voice, he’s a real sweetie.”

- One last thing before I go…I saw a video this week about the factory where the Oscar statuettes are made. I don’t care if I now know “the truth” or not, a part of me still wants to believe they’re actually made of chocolate covered in gold foil.

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