Once again it’s time to clear out my brain of the smaller items in it; the little things I think up, of and about and which, for whatever reasons, didn’t pan out into a full length column.

It’s time for some healthy ‘small potatoes’ and here we go!

- You know, in my lifetime there have always been fifty states in the US. I think it’s time for a change; we need some new states! More than once I’ve woken up in the middle of the night and yelled out: “Dammit Puerto Rico! Just vote to become a state already and stop toying with us!”

- There’s something about the commercial tagline “a lifetime of temporary relief” that I just don’t like. I don’t know what it is though…

- It’s a sad state in the world when I hear about a major explosion in London and my first thought is: “Well, thank God it was just a mechanical/industrial accident”.

- The next time I see someone choking another human being, I’m going to say they are “applying a reverse Heimlich maneuver”. The same goes for someone forcing a slab of steak down another person’s throat.

- I can see the usefulness of “gift cards” as a Christmas gift for people you don’t know that well or someone you don’t see that often, but, I also think they’re a cop-out for people who are too lazy or just aren’t creative enough to think of something.

- Similarly, I have a problem with the whole “scrap booking” phenomenon going on. I don’t like the idea of needing a whole kit of pre-made captions and stuff. It panders to the people who just aren’t creative enough to label something. Even if it’s not witty or clever or cute, it’s not that hard to caption something by writing (for example) “John Samson – Pismo Beach, 1953” on a slip of paper.

Some of the kits come with scissors and I think that’s just silly and wrong! How many households lack at least one pair of scissors?

Look, I know that they were created to make money and little else but the way I see it, a “scrap booking” kit takes all the fun out of making a scrapbook – which is what the whole point of making a scrapbook is – it’s supposed to be a fun activity!

- I wonder: if you filled someone’s mouth with wax paper and then gave them an open mouth kiss, could you make them into a human kazoo?

- If I could have a theme song to follow me around at various moments in life, I’d like to think that I’d just go with “Journey of the sorcerer” by The Eagles (aka “The banjo-laced title song from ‘The Hitchhikers Guide to the Galaxy’ BBC/TV series”)

- I was looking at People magazine’s year-end issue recently. From what I can see, People magazine has gotten rid of “the worst of 200_” everywhere in the issue except in the cover headline. They used to put the “best” and “worst” lists right next to each other but I scoured the magazine and I couldn’t find them…and I really don’t think this year was without some really crappy movies, books, music and TV shows.

- Speaking of People magazine, in their “farewells” section they devote a 1/4 page to the passing of Bob Denver and give a tiny blurb to Don Adams. I don’t know about you, but I’d rather watch a marathon of “Get Smart” over “Gilligan’s Island” any day…But I’d rather watch a “Many loves of Dobie Gillis” marathon over “Inspector Gadget”, so now that I think about it, I really don’t know who deserves more space on the page…

- I have long disliked the musical “Grease”, but, I gotta admit, Frankie Valli’s theme song to the movie is pretty catchy.

- I know it’s popular among my generation and I may be stepping on some toes here – but I really never liked “Scooby Doo” as a kid. I just can’t figure out what the appeal is. Well, maybe the drug connotations…

- For that matter, how is that “Fraggle Rock” ended up being so popular among the stoner crowd?

- People don’t go around saying “Would you like some more cornbread” nearly as much as they should.

- Christmas carol titles I’d like to see: “Grandma got run over by a log truck”, “I’ll be home for Christmas (and hope you won’t be)”, “Let it snow, let it snow, for the love of God, let it snow!”

- I wrote a Christmas song this morning. It’s a variation of the “Christmas is coming” round. Here, try it out some time:

“Christmas is coming, I think I’m getting fat/Please put a penny in some old man’s hat/If you haven’t got a penny, then a nickel will do fine/If you haven’t got a nickel, then I’ll throw this lime!”

(Note: This song works best if you have a lime on you at the time)

- I’m sick of hearing about this so-called “War on Christmas”, where people are wasting valuable time and energy arguing over whether people should say “Happy Holidays” or “Merry Christmas”. I know you’re sick of it too, but I think I found the perfect way to end the debate. It comes to us in the voice of Kermit the Frog on the CD “John Denver & The Muppets: A Christmas Together”:

“I don’t know if you believe in Christmas/Or if you have presents underneath the Christmas tree/But if you believe in love/That will be more than enough/For you to come and celebrate with me.”

With that, I say “Merry Christmas”…no matter what you celebrate or where or with whom this weekend, remember to celebrate love (if nothing else). Take care of your selves this weekend. I’ll be back next week.

Last 5 posts by

• Japantastic television - March 17th, 2006
• Who needs to be “Eliminated” - March 12th, 2006
• This week's weekly column from Scott "C" Fynboe - February 25th, 2006
• Torino or not Torino? - February 17th, 2006
• Fire up your thinking stove: Scott C’s got some more “small potatoes” - February 10th, 2006