Opening Credits: Quotes of the Week

Simon’s pissed…

Everyone’s favorite obnoxious music executive, Simon Cowell,
had a good point when he spouted this beauty of a quote during
the most recent elimination round of Fox’s “American Idol
3″ competition. After all, both Randy and Paula weren’t terribly
thrilled with the second eight people of the final 32 either.
It was a night of lackluster performances…and as usual, Simon
didn’t mind telling the world that…

It’s a good thing we didn’t charge these people to
get in tonight because they all would want a refund…

* * * *

People speak out about A-ROD

Seeing as the best baseball player in the world (Alex Rodriguez
or A-Rod) has been traded to the highest profile and one of
the best teams in all of baseball, the New York Yankees, to
say that it was going to garner a few headlines is probably
the understatement of the year.

Everyone had something to say about it whether it was Boston
born talk show host, Jay Leno or Boston Mayor, Thomas Menino.
However, these were probably my two favorite quotes of the
week.

First, Kelly Ripa offered this startling analysis of A-Rod
as her morning talk show host co-host Regis Philbin showed
the audience one of the New York City tabloid newspapers featuring
a picture of the new Yankee…

He looks like a winner to me.

Perfect…

Of course, New York loving David Letterman had some jokes
to chime in with about the Yankees riches on CBS’ “The Late
Show.” This one was my favorite since it’s probably the closest
to reality…

The price of a beer at Yankee Stadium will go from
8 dollars to 22 dollars…

* * * *

Thank God for “The Surreal Life.”

The second to last episode of “The Surreal Life,” the reality
series where the WB takes six B and C list celebrities and
puts them in a luxurious Hollywood mansion and forces them
to complete various tasks for the entertainment of television
public, featured quite an adventure. Former “The Surreal Life”
cast member and Motley Crue rocker, Vince Neil, called the
current “The Surreal Life” and cast and invited them to his
private club in Palm Springs, CA.

When the current cast arrived at the club, they discovered
it was actually a nudist club. Tammy Faye Messner (formerly
Bakker) was genuinely offended by the whole thing since she’s
a devout Christian and not in favor of nudity…She had this
to say as she ran out of the club reminding us of her and
her ex-husband’s exploits in the 1980s…

I said I’d never cry on TV again….Well, you made me
cry.

Later on, former “Baywatch” hottie, Traci Bingham made this
comment to adult entertainment record breaking legend, Ron
Jeremy after he said he was OK going around the club nude.

Of course you’re OK with it…You’re Ron Jeremy.

Well, she’s got a point…

* * * *

Strictly for Fun

This quote from Jimmy Kimmel’s late night talk show isn’t
profound or show defining, but it’s funny…

If I won 10 million dollars, I’d give some to charity…
but I’d also buy a lot of chicken wings, eat them all, and
build a palace with the bones.

But who would live there?

* * * * * * *

TV HEADLINES: Mark Burnett, “Stuttering John,” William
Hung, and Jayson Blair

The King of Reality Adds to his Empire

If you’re not familiar with this name in the realm of reality
television, pay attention very closely because he will likely
become one of the most important men in television:

The name…

Mark Burnett

Not only is Burnett responsible for probably the most successful
show in the history of reality television, “Survivor,” but

Burnett is one of the executive producers of NBC’s new reality
sensation, “The Apprentice” as well. Both shows have proved
to be interesting, dramatic, and worth tuning into week after
week to see what happens next and who gets eliminated or “fired.”
In addition, he is also responsible for last summer’s modest
reality hit, “The Restaurant,” which will return for a second
season this summer on NBC.

Well, it appears Burnett will apparently have his hand in
no less than THREE more reality shows spread out through out
the broadcast networks. The shows will include:

* Vegas Baby… – Last December, it was announced that
Burnett is teaming up with the Fox network to develop a reality
series focusing on the relaunch of the Golden Nugget, a formerly
famous casino in downtown Las Vegas. The format and the primary
“storylines” that will be focused on have not been determined,
but I imagine it will revolve around the troubles and difficulties
of reopening a popular casino.

* The Next Mike Tyson? – This week TVguide.com and
Variety reported that Burnett will work with Dreamworks and
Sylvester Stallone to develop a reality program that goes
in search of the next boxing superstar that will air on NBC.
The un-scripted drama will cost the network about $2 million
per episode. Burnett also hopes to launch a new boxing organization
in conjunction with the January 2005 launch of the show.

* “The Apprentice 2?” – According to an article in
the New York Post‘s Page Six, Burnett will also work
develop a “west coast version” of “The Apprentice” except
that it will star Dreamworks’ Jeffrey Katzenberg in “the Donald
role” and air on CBS. Seeing as Dreamworks is a large entertainment
company focusing primarily on movie making, I would imagine
the show will have a much different feel to it despite the
format being similar. Not only does the west coast have a
different feel to it, but the kind of businesses Trump runs
are completely different than what Katzenberg does at Dreamworks.
So, that probably means more tasks will center around the
entertainment industry and celebrities involved with it. Perhaps
the contestants will need to complete a rapid marketing campaign
for a lesser-known movie? Maybe the players will have to be
responsible for building a set for an upcoming movie? What
about the competitors casting extras for an upcoming movie?
This could be a wildly interesting series that lets the viewing
audience see what Hollywood business is all about.

Stuttering John Moves On…

The Associated Press and Yahoo TV news reported that shock
jock Howard Stern’s famous colleague “Stuttering” John Melendez
will join “The Tonight Show with Jay Leno” not only as a roving
reporter and interviewer character, but also as the show’s
announcer. Melendez will be replacing Edd Hall in the announcing
capacity as he has decided to leave to pursue movie opportunities
full-time.

The AP reports that according to an NBC spokeswoman, Melendez
became an intriguing property to “The Tonight Show” after
his appearance on ABC’s “I’m a Celebrity: Get Me Out of Here.”
During his run on that show he came off as a “peacemaker”
and a “family man.” It appears that NBC is looking for THAT
John Melendez as opposed to the person that commonly embarrassed
and humiliated people while working with Howard Stern.

The journalists on ESPN’s “Around the Horn” debated this
week whether or not this is a good thing, both for Melendez
and for NBC. Several of the five panelists seemed to be concerned
that “The Tonight Show” may exploit Melendez and use him as
fodder for cheap comedy. I don’t believe anyone affiliated
with NBC or the show wants to get involved in any sort of
comedy that not only makes the network appear either amateurish

in terms of the comedy or even more importantly, disrespectful
and insensitive towards people with disabilities.

While it does appear strange that “The Tonight Show” would
bring in someone with a potential speech impediment to be
the show’s announcer, it appears honest and that they are
after Melendez’s compassionate, yet humorous personality.
At the very least, he’s setting a damn fine example for people
who may have a similar impediment.

William Hung: National Celebrity…whether we like it or
not…

Just in case we all needed a reminder, you don’t necessarily
have to be talented to become famous and a national celebrity.
Prime example: William Hung.

Take note of his most recent nationally televised appearances…

* SportsCenter – Mr. Hung was all over “SportsCenter”
and “Pardon the Interruption” this week after he gave the
California-Berkley crowd another rousing rendition of Ricky
Martin’s “She Bangs” during a halftime show of a recent home
basketball game.

* Ellen’s show – Everyone’s favorite “American Idol”
reject…er…contestant sang the same song on the “Ellen DeGeneres
Show.” Not only did he get the opportunity to sing his favorite
song, but the package included three lessons with a vocal
coach. Ellen is so nice…

* A Return to “American Idol” – As already stated
in a previous Groove Tube Update, “American Idol” producers
have already said they are eager to get William back for their
midseason primetime special, “Uncut, Uncensored, and Untalented.”
I have a feeling he won’t be showing the world his knack for
Shakespearean monologues…

*A RECORD CONTRACT! – Yes, the boy has been offered
a record contract. According to Zap2it, the Fuse music
network and Koch Entertainment surprised Hung with a record
contract offer on evening of February 18th. According to the
article, Hung will receive a check for $25,000, a deal with
Koch, and a music video for his first single, which will air
on Fuse.

In a statement in the Zap2it article, Fuse Network
President, Marc Juris said the following:

As the underdog music video network, Fuse instantly identified
with William’s drive to do his best and ‘have no regrets at
all. Every one of us is joyfully guilty of singing our favorite
song at the top of our lungs with wild abandon, all the while
completely off key and uninhibited. That’s what William did
and instantly won the hearts of America.

Why can’t we all get record deals like that? I sing off key
in the shower all the time and what do I get?

How about a chance to repose this question: Would you rather
be a celebrity with no talent or someone talented without
the celebrity status?

Unfortunately, as cute and nice as William Hung is, he doesn’t
have much choice but to be a celebrity without the talent.
Is that something we like and can appreciate? Personally,
I’d rather value talent than a rampant, raging, publicity
network.

“Sex and the City” is coming back! Sort of…

For those not ready to say good bye forever to the women
from the “Sex and the City” cast, it appears you won’t have
to.

The HBO series may be ending its run on Sunday, February
22nd, but it may not be the last time we see the stars together
after all. According to TVGuide.com and TVBarn.com, HBO is
in negotiations with the four stars of the hit show, Sarah
Jessica Parker (Carrie), Kim Cattrall (Samantha), Kristin
Davis (Charlotte), and Cynthia Nixon (Miranda), to make a
return to their signature roles, but on the big screen instead
of a weekly series.

Executive Producer, Michael Patrick King is currently working
on a script.

Is this a good idea? Would you like several million dollars?
I believe that no matter how the show ends, a movie featuring
the four women would do very well at the box office. However,
whether or not it would be well received would depend on which
direction the writers and producers go.

Personally, I would rather see the movie be completely independent
of the current storylines and telling its own stories rather
merely continuing where the television series left off. When
the “X-Files” movie came out, it could go in many different
directions because it was a show not as devoted to continuous
storylines the way “Sex and the City” is. I think the writers
will need to approach those types of story arcs with extreme
care…

Katie Scores!!!

According to TVBarn.com and NBC public relations, former
New York Times reporter and current disgrace to the
field of journalism, Jayson Blair, has decided to come out
of hiding and talk to NBC’s Katie Couric in a March 5th primetime
special and appear live for a “Today” interview three days
later.

Blair is the young journalist who rose through the ranks
apparently through his connections and personality instead
of his talent and knack for writing solid, honest stories.
It was discovered in May of 2002 that Blair made up sources
and plagiarized portions of the stories he produced for the
New York Times. As the NBC press release states, the
scandal that ensued “shook journalism to its very foundation.”
Several high-ranking officials from the newspaper ended up
resigning and everyone in the field was forced to look at
themselves in the mirror when it came to how they do their
jobs.

While the scandal has mostly subsided, Blair has resurfaced
so he can attempt to “come clean” in his new book, Burning
Down My Masters’ House. That’s the answer to the question:
“Why in God’s name would he be willing to enter the public
eye and face harsh criticism yet again?” While it will be
difficult, money talks and selling copies of his books helps
that cause. So, Blair will put his ass on the line and go
through with the interview with NBC’s golden girl, Katie Couric.

Is it professional suicide? Or is it good PR? Well, considering

it couldn’t get much worse for Mr. Blair, it certainly wouldn’t
be professional suicide. However, drudging up all of his mistakes
from the past may not be a wise move either. We’ll see if
any of it matters…I am sure many people will be interested
to see what Mr. Blair has to say anyway…After all, how do
you justify giving an entire industry a black eye?

I think destroying the hopes of a young college intern
is a GREAT IDEA!!!

In an effort to make a student hoping to succeed in the television
industry potentially feel as worthless as possible, NBC’s
“Today” show launched a competition known as “The Intern”
to mock the network’s primetime show, “The Apprentice.”

This week long series will see eight interns already working
at NBC in some capacity compete in various tasks with one
of the eight getting fired over the next four days during
the week of February 23-27. The four winners will get to go
on special assignment with the “Today” crew (Katie Couric,
Matt Lauer, Al Roker, and Ann Curry) while the four losers
will return to their previous assignments at NBC.

I remember being an intern at NBC several years ago and I
know I sought approval from any of my supervisors in any way
possible. If a national television personality told me I didn’t
do a very good job at a task I was performing at, I wouldn’t
be terribly pleased or very sure of my future in the television
industry. Yet, there is the “Today” show, for the purpose
of entertainment and mockery, putting the fragile, young psyche
of a college student on the line…

It may sound a bit dramatic to make points like that, but
just imagine what it may be like if you’re 21, eager to work
in television, trying to please your supervisors only to get
“fired” on a nationally televised show. It could really hurt…The
producers should have tried something else…

Quick Hits

***Of all the shows…WHY??? – Zap2it reported
this week that everyone’s favorite quirky, comic book loving,
pop culture observing director Kevin Smith will be making
an appearance on CBS’s “Yes, Dear.” The show, set to air March
22nd, will involve a storyline where Jimmy (Mike O’Malley)
steals movie premiere red carpet credentials from the movie
studio Greg (Anthony Clark) works for. While on the red carpet,
Jimmy will get into an argument with Smith, who is playing
himself. However, even though he is playing himself in the
show, the storyline is that he has just directed an inspirational
war movie (pretty much confirming “Yes, Dear” takes place
in an alternate universe).

While the storyline seems humorous on the surface, I have
to ask this: Why Kevin? Of all the television shows to make
an appearance on? I figure he’d be more apt to appear on a
show like “Will & Grace” as opposed to a lesser known, less
funny show like “Yes, Dear.”

***Hot Celebrity, Hot Show…Let the fireworks begin…
– In an article about Paris Hilton’s frequent recent television
appearances, the New York Post‘s Don Kaplan revealed
a little information about one of her upcoming stints. He
stated the following:

The next stop on the Hilton express includes a guest-spot on
Fox’s hottest new drama, “The O.C. ”

On the teen-angst nighttime soap, Hilton will play a Hollywood
starlet whose mere smile shakes things up in Orange County.

It seems a perfect fit…one of the hottest shows on television
being invaded by one of the celebrities hogging the media
spotlight at the time. The storyline sounds intriguing as
well. I wonder what kind of trouble Paris is going to cook
up in Orange County…

***Is ESPN better off? – Reuters and Yahoo TV News
stated this week that former ESPN boxing analyst and “Around
the Horn” host and personality, Max Kellerman, has officially
signed with Fox Sports Net since he could not come to any
sort of agreement to remain at the Worldwide Leader in Sports.

Kellerman will host a daily half-hour show that according
to Fox Sports Network will be a mix of Fox News’ “The O’Reilly
Factor” and Comedy Central’s “The Daily Show with Jon Stewart.”
In addition, he’ll be heavily involved in the network’s “Sunday
Night Fighs” series and the most famous show the network has
to offer, “The Best Damn Sports Show Period.

As the Reuters article notes, this is pretty significant
for two reasons. First, Fox Sports will finally have a show
and personality based in New York City instead of everything
based in Los Angeles. In addition, the network is gaining
someone who developed into a real personality at ESPN. Fox
Sports Net now has him. Will this help the network’s credibility?
Or at least its’ viewership? I guess it depends on how many
people like Kellerman’s obnoxious New York personality…

*** Looks like the viewers aren’t interested… – According
to TVGuide.com, only 7.5 million people were interested in
seeing Fox’s “The Littlest Groom,” essentially “The Bachelor”
for little people. To show how uninterested people were in
this show, while “The Littlest Groom” brought in 7.5 million
viewers at 8:00, the 9:00 show, “My Big Fat Obnoxious Fiance”
managed to secure more than 16 million viewers. Looks like
Fox won’t be doing that again…

Though, I am a bit surprised. Are little people to mainstream
now that when a show is devoted to them, it’s no big deal?
I didn’t think our society felt that way, but apparently they
do.

***I never thought it would be possible… – …but Mindy
Cohn (“The Facts of Life”), David Faustino (“Married…With
Children”), Tori Spelling (“Beverly Hills, 90210″), and Antonio
Sabato, Jr. (“General Hospital” and “Melrose Place”) will
be back on a network television series. In fact, they will
all be on the
SAME ONE…WOW!!!

* * * * * * *

Closing Credits: I am worried about the television
industry’s creativity…

I’ve noticed a trend in the television industry over the
last 12-18 months or so. In fact, there’s a good chance you’ve
noticed this trend as well. What am I talking about?

Reality television.

It’s hard to pinpoint exactly when this became more than
an anomaly and a full-fledged trend. It definitely started
with “Survivor” in the Summer of 2000. That show captivated
the nation during its summer run and proved that reality television
wasn’t just for the creators/producers of shows like MTV’s
“The Real World” and “Road Rules.”

From there, other important reality based shows including
“Big Brother,” “American Idol,” “The Bachelor/Bachelorette,”
and the brand new gem, “The Apprentice” emerged and became
part of the lexicon of American popular culture the same way
“Friends” has and “Seinfeld” did.

While it is immensely fascinating to see this genre of programming
emerge and continue to enchant the American public, one problem
has also surfaced in this process: That problem can be summed
with up with the question: “Where have all the comedies and
drama series’ gone?”

It’s fairly easy to identify where the dramas have gone.
If there is one genre of programming that has remained consistent,
it is the hour-long drama. Unfortunately, while the hour-long
drama has remained steady, it’s largely because the networks
are relying on the “solving crime” dramas like “Law & Order,”
“CSI: Crime Scene Investigation,” and “Cold Case.” While the
shows are wildly entertaining and often interesting in the
way they deal with current issues, they have become largely
formulaic and not terribly creative.

Even more startling is the fact that the situation comedy
has taken a beating through out the rise of the quick-fix
reality show. I mentioned in my very first Groove Tube Update
back in December that I thought the future of sit-coms on
NBC Thursday night was great since “Will & Grace” could be
a solid anchor, “Scrubs” is outstanding, and “Good Morning,
Miami” was greatly improving. However, “Scrubs” was moved
back to Tuesday nights and “Good Morning, Miami” has been
on hiatus since the debut of “The Apprentice.”

Now, it appears that NBC, the network that brought us some
of the best comedies of all time on Thursday nights, like
“Friends,” “Cheers,” and “The Cosby Show” will, at least for
the foreseeable future, abandon what they’ve done for 20 years
in favor of airing the hour long Donald Trump led reality
drama. In the mean time, the comedies get left behind…on all
fronts. “Whoopi” and “Happy Family” are holding their own
on Tuesday nights, but they are lightly regarded by critics.
Also, those two programs are anchored by network staple, “Frasier”
and now the witty “Scrubs” as well. In the mean time, shows
like “Average Joe: Hawaii,” and original (and repeat) episodes
of “The Apprentice” hog up the NBC airwaves.

NBC is not the only network that is guilty of relying on
the reality format. Fox has also fallen deep into the trap
of reality television. The most glaring example of the creativity
suffering comes from Fox Monday night. Several years ago,
the 8:00 PM show would be the highly regarded, creative, humorous,
yet touching, dramedy, “Ally McBeal,” about a young lawyer
in Boston and all the feelings and thoughts she experienced
and the 9:00 PM show would be the drama “Boston Public” in
its prime delivering strong performances and intriguing storylines.

“Ally” got canceled, and “Boston Public” got shipped to Fridays
where its audience withered away to the point where the network
had no choice but to cancel that show as well. Instead, on
Monday, February 16th, the 8:00 PM show was “The Littlest
Groom,” which essentially is “The Bachelor” for little people
and then at 9:00, the viewing public was treated to the one-hit
wonder reality dramedy “My Big Fat Obnoxious Fiance.”

Here is another interesting comparison to draw from…

I dug deep in the Lexis-Nexis databases to pull ratings from
different weeks in February. One was this past week, one was
from 2001 and one from 1995. I pulled the top 15 shows from
each time period according to the Nielsen Media Ratings published
by the Associated Press. The results are pretty interesting
and probably predictable considering the points I’ve been
making for this portion of the column. Take a look below and
notice the reality shows in bold (not including “Who Wants
to Be a Millionaire?”):

2/15/95

“E.R.,” NBC, 22.2 million homes
“Seinfeld,” NBC, 20.7
“Grace Under Fire,” ABC, 19.0
“Wings,” NBC, 18.9
“Home Improvement,” ABC, 18.7
“60 Minutes,” CBS, 16.7
“Texas Justice – ABC Sunday Night Movie,” 16.3
“NYPD Blue” ABC, 16.2
“Murder, She Wrote,” CBS, 15.6
“Friends,” NBC, 15.2
“Mad About You,” NBC, 14.9
“Frasier,” NBC, 14.6
“Murphy Brown,” CBS, 14.3
“Walton Wedding,” CBS, 14.0
“Roseanne,” ABC, 14.0

2/21/01

“ER,” NBC, 18.5 million homes.
“Survivor II,” CBS, 17.0
“Friends Outtakes,” NBC, 14.7
“CSI: Crime Scene Investigation,” CBS, 14.4
“Friends,” NBC, 14.3
“Law & Order,” NBC, 14.1
“The Practice,” ABC, 13.1
“Who Wants to be a Millionaire-Sunday,” ABC, 12.9
“Will & Grace,” NBC, 12.8
“The West Wing,” NBC, 12.5
“Who Wants to be a Millionaire-Wednesday,” ABC, 12.1
“Everybody Loves Raymond,” CBS, 12.0
“Who Wants to be a Millionaire-Thursday,” ABC, 12.0
“60 Minutes,” CBS, 11.5
“ABC Monday Night Movie: These Old Broads,” ABC, 11.5

2/10/04

“American Idol” (Tuesday), Fox, 30.1 million viewers
“CSI: Crime Scene Investigation,” CBS, 29.3
“American Idol” (Wednesday), Fox, 28.8
“Grammy Awards,” CBS, 26.3
“Friends,” NBC, 24.9
“Survivor: All-Stars,” CBS, 23.1
“ER,” NBC, 22.2
“American Idol” (Monday), Fox, 21.2
“CSI: Miami,” CBS, 20.6
“Without a Trace,” CBS, 18.9
“Everybody Loves Raymond,” CBS, 18.8
“The Apprentice,” NBC, 18.4
“Law & Order,” NBC, 17.3
“Two and a Half Men,” CBS, 16.5
“My Big Fat Obnoxious Fiance,” Fox, 16.2

What you’ve probably noticed is that the ratings from 1995
and 2001 contain more highly regarded creative shows such
as “Roseanne,” “Seinfeld,” “Murphy Brown,” and “The West Wing,”
while the 2004 ratings contain SIX reality shows in the top
15 and THREE of them being “American Idol” broadcasts. In
addition, only three comedies are in the Top 15 and one (“Friends”)
will be canceled at the end of this season, while one other
(“Raymond”) probably won’t last past the 2004-05 season.

I think the point of all this analysis is pretty clear, but
it’s worth repeating: the television industry is abandoning
the situation comedy while relying on reality programming
to draw viewers in and pay the bills. While I commend reality
show gurus like Mark Burnett for bringing shows like “Survivor”
and “The Apprentice” to fruition because it does add a whole
separate genre to the world of television and that’s fascinating.
However, these shows are added to the prime time lineup at
the expense of comedic programming and I find that to be a
problem. It may be harder to find a comedy that is funny AND
resonates with the public the way “Friends” and “Will & Grace”
has, but it’s a challenge the industry should tackle head
on, instead of running with open arms to people like Jeff
Probst, Donald Trump, and Simon Cowell.

All I am saying is: “Give comedy and original dramas a chance…”

That goes to you, the guy watching television, and also the
guys in Hollywood making the executive decisions…

In the mean time…

Enjoy the show (whatever show that may be…)

Steve Coogan also
writes for the 411mania.

Last 5 posts by Steve Coogan

• Two New Fox Shows - March 25th, 2004
• Weekend TV Update: Where Will The Real World End Up? - March 18th, 2004
• Did The Critics Torch Ashton Kutcher's Latest Offering? - January 29th, 2004
• Old, New, And Born-Again - January 15th, 2004
• Charlie Chaplin: World Famous Tramp - January 1st, 2004