In his latest
column, my boy Steve Coogan analyzes his favorite
movie characters of all-time. From Rocky Balboa and Erin Brockovich
to Dewey Finn and Danny Ocean, Coogs comes up with a pretty
eclectic list that make his thoughts as accessible as they
are insightful.

My hope here is to replicate some of Coogan’s
movie magic by applying the idea of favorite characters to
my favorite area of popular culture: professional wrestling.
While I am nowhere near as knowledgeable in terms of work
rate as perennial 411 Hall of Famer Scott Keith, and nowhere
near as f*cking brilliantly charged as the rightfully heralded
Eric S., one thing I pride myself on is being able to translate
my own perspective on the industry – which is more of a pure
fan’s perspective than anything else – into something entertaining
to read from time to time.

I hear all this talk lately about how

Americans are too obsessed with lists and who makes them and
who is left off of them. I think people who criticize columns
and other articles containing lists need to look at it on
a case-by-case basis. Do I care who’s hot and who’s not in
Hollywood? Not necessarily. But if a writer or group of writers
compose a list of who’s hot and who’s not in Hollywood, using
interesting criteria and backing up their list with intriguing
explanations, then yeah, I would probably give it a quick
read and think about some of the arguments presented.

Why would I do this? Because sometimes
life isn’t about finding some purposeful transcendental meaning,
and in fact I am sick of people who only seek enlightenment.
They’re the ones that have to realize that being entertained
by a top ten list while you take a shit is just as vital to
happiness as joining an existentialist book club … Get the
whole picture yet?

Okay, now that I have rambled just long
enough to make you displace my original intent, let me bring
it all home. The following list is merely an overview of my
favorite 20 pro wrestling characters of all-time. This has
nothing to do with work rate, behind the scenes politicking
or anything else beyond the umbrella of entertainment. These
are wrestling personalities who most likely have done at least
one of the following six things to me during my 19 years as
a fan:

1) Made me laugh hysterically during vignettes
or matches
2) Scared the shit out of me during
vignettes or matches
3) Made me scream, “Holy shit!”

4) Made me cry legitimately
5) Became a villain to me
6) Became a hero to me

Using the above as a loose set of criteria,
here are my favorite 20 pro wrestling characters of all-time,
in order for your convenience:

20) Jake “the Snake” Roberts (with
Damien): No one in professional wrestling has ever given
me the chills like Jake the Snake. While training the Ultimate
Warrior for a match against the Undertaker, Jake tortured
UW by burying him up to his head and locking him in a casket.
I wonder how much he charged per hour …

19) “Diamond” Dallas Paige: When
DDP was at the top of his game as a face competitor in World
Championship Wrestling, all I wanted to do was root for him
until my brains fell out. He was a very good at playing the
bad ass as well as the crowd-pleasing underdog, and outside
of the Stunner the Diamond Cutter was the best pro wrestling
finisher around in terms of accessibility and providing a
quick reversal of fortune. It’s no wonder, then, why Randy
Orton uses a variation of the Diamond Cutter, the RKO, as
his current finisher.

18) Yokozuna (with Mr. Fuji and James
E. Cornette): Okay, maybe there was one other wrestler
that gave me the chills like Jake the Snake. After all, Yokozuna
was a monstrous presence in the ring, as well as one who never
had to say anything to invoke fear in his opponents or the
fans. Having Mr. Fuji as his mentor and Jim Cornette as his
mouthpiece more than made up for Yoko’s one-word “Banzai”
responses, and no one will ever shake the ring quiet the same
way as this late, great WWF superstar.

17) Terry Funk: There’s not much
to say about Terry Funk in terms of personality and promotional
skills. So, why is the Funker on my list of 20 favorites?
Because he got the shit kicked out of him for so many years
and sacrificed so much of himself to please bloodthirsty crowds.
Terry Funk is on this list in spite of his awful WWF run as
Chainsaw Charlie, because virtually no one else has the balls
to even try the shit he’s pulled in his fiery career.

16) D-Generation X: One of just
two stables on the list, D-Generation X – at least the early
incarnations of the group – was the perfect example of an
entourage done right. They were brash and brusque, especially
when HBK and HHH were in charge, but even more important than
that is that D-X was formed at precisely the right time in
the WWF timeline. To me, D-X captured the anarchical vibe
of the Attitude era, and turned that energetic angst into
a reciprocal goldmine with fans.

15) Mr. McMahon: Vince’s act may
be overexposed and tiresome these days, but from 1997 to 1999
Mr. McMahon was one of the most captivating sons of bitches
across all genres of television programming. For those two
years, we all tuned into the WWF shows in droves to see what
Mr. McMahon was going to do, what superstar he was going to
try and f*ck with, and how his master plan was inevitably
going to backfire. He was the Wiley Coyote of the late 1990s,
always winding up at the bottom of the cliff while Stone Cold
reaped the benefits of the working class anti-hero, serving
to constantly foil the plans of his avaricious and overzealous
employer.

14) “Macho Man” Randy Savage: I
cannot have a list of favorites without noting three superstars
that were involved in my favorite pro wrestling angle of all-time.
Macho Man is the first of the three characters who were entrenched
in the pinnacle love triangle storyline of the 1980s. Of course,
I am talking about Macho Man’s heated encounters with Miss
Elizabeth and Hulk Hogan, not to mention the fact that the
Flying Elbow was a pretty big deal back then in terms of high-flying
in-ring antics. He also had that classic match against Ricky
‘”the Dragon” Steamboat, which all the more cements Randy’s
place on this list. I could have done without the off-kilter
rap album, though.

13) Barry Horowitz, The Brooklyn Brawler,
Conquistadors #s 45 and 47, Local Jobber, ET. al.: Unlucky
#13 absolutely has to be reserved for my favorite group of
underappreciated talent: the jobbers! Barry Horowitz possessed
the best self-back-patting skills I have ever seen; the Brawler
is the ultimate symbol of in-ring loserdom; and the Conquistadors
#s 45 and 47 have a special place in my heart thanks to a
Smackdown! Appearance earlier this year, when Tazz remarked,
“What happened to #46?” Hmm, what did happen to #46?
I smell a perfect Whodunnit angle!

12) “The Million Dollar Man” Ted DiBiase:
Everyone always had a price for the Million Dollar Man. There
were the regulars like Virgil the bodyguard (who would have
imagined that this was to be the best gimmick he ever had?),
but then even fan favorites like the Native American Tatanka
and the extra-voluptuous Sapphire sold out to get some of
Ted’s green. In her case, I guess you can call it an even
dough for dough exchange.

11) Kurt Angle: The second- or
third-most consistent superstar over the past two years (just
behind The Rock and a little further behind Jericho), Angle
has finally proven in 2003 that he can be entertaining as
both a heel and a face. The bottom line is that our Olympic
Hero has become versatile both in and out of the ring. He’s
been a part of moments with sidesplitting hilarity (such as
the homoerotic but humorous Angle-Austin-Vince cowboy hat
vignette), moments of keen trickery (Heyman-Angle screw Lesnar),
moments of lust (Kurt tries to steal Stephanie from Triple
H), and moments that simply kick ass (anything with he and
Benoit is just incredible to watch, not to mention the Iron
Man match). And just think, we haven’t even hit the Top Ten.

10) The Rock: Despite calls from
Hollywood and a lightened WWE schedule, The Rock still remains
the most charismatic superstar on the WWE roster. The Rock
has had some epic battles with Foley, Austin, Hogan, Goldberg,
HHH, etc. … you name the wrestler, and The Rock has made them
look good at one point or another. I love the Rock because
he can make a skit with Steve Blackman entertaining if he
wanted, and because he does not always win or dominate his
opponents. He may only have three or four moves in his arsenal,
but what he lacks in his in-ring repertoire he makes up for
with his unparalleled microphone skills. It doesn’t matter
what I think, all that matters is that The Rock doesn’t leave
WWE completely so that he can entertain us all some more.

09) Mr. Perfect: Mr. Perfect is
in the top 10 for one reason and one reason only: The Perfect
Vignettes. Whether he was playing basketball and shooting
100 percent from the field, or hitting a bunch of trick shots
in the billiard room, Mr. Perfect was the quintessential man
of omniscience. Despite UK plane ride incidents and a career
that tapered off, he will always be remembered as absolutely,
positively, perfect!

08) The Four Horsemen: The best
and fiercest stable to ever play the game, and boy did they
play dirty! They were always unpredictable and fun to watch,
except of course when Steve “Mongo” McMichael came along.

07) Stone Cold Steve Austin: On
Raw this past Monday they showed a clip of Austin giving someone
a Stunner. The clip must have been from 1998, because a) he
was completely ripped; and b) the crowd went nuts for him
in a reception comparable only to Michael Jordan in Chicago
in the 1990s. Austin broke all the rules back then, and it
was fun watching him pour cement into Vince’s car, attacking
him at the hospital with a bedpan, and spraying him with a
beer hose. Ah, the memories …

06) Miss Elizabeth: The First Lady
of Wrestling was the integral element to the Savage-Hogan
saga in the 1980s, and back then she handled herself with
the utmost class. She was graceful, gorgeous, and f*cking
hot! And she always stood by her men.

05) Hulk Hogan: Hogan is not in
my top 5 favorites because he was my childhood hero. He is
in my top 5 because he was my childhood hero and because
I hated him with a passion when he turned heel in 1996 and
formed the New World Order with Hall and Nash. Hogan is as
charismatic as they will ever come, and he proved that he
can be a kick-ass heel with the same fervor that he was the
Real American.

04) Bobby “The Brain Heenan”: The
greatest manager of all-time, and an irreverent broadcast
journalist. Whichever role he assumes, The Brain made wrestling
fun to watch, even if he was in a cheesy looking studio with
Gorilla Monsoon, covering Jobber vs. Marty Jannetty matches.

03) Chris Jericho: The most consistent
superstar over the past two years, period. Jericho honed his
skills in WCW, and even then I loved him in the role as the
unabashed conspirator. “The Highlight Reel” was a nice touch,
and his current psychological feud with Austin reminds me
of the old Jericho, who would spend hours in law libraries
conjuring up ways to keep his WCW Cruiserweight title.

02) “The Nature Boy” Ric Flair:
Flair will always be The Man. His promos are still fun to
watch, even if he wobbles around the ring these days like
Captain Harris on the beach in Police Academy Five.
Still, you have to hand it to The Nature Boy for sticking
around to give solid advice to the younger talent. Hopefully,
the torch he passes won’t be entirely hogged by his apparent
business casual successor to the styling and profiling pro
wrestling throne.

01) Mick “Insert Alter Ego Here” Foley:
Trivia question: What professional wrestler successfully developed
three wrestling personas, endeared himself to millions of
fans by being thrown off the top of a Hell In A Cell cage
and through the announcer’s table, wrote two best-selling
autobiographies, was a key participant in the highest rated
Raw segment ever, and made pulling a sock out of one’s crotch
an acceptable form of entertainment? That’s right, we’re talking
about Mick Foley, who is easily my favorite pro wrestler of
all-time. Foley was more than just good, he was everything
a wrestler should be: creator of holy shit moments galore,
great on the microphone, loyal to fans and devoted to his
family. He was my hero, both in and outside the ring, and
his influence on me will is incalculable. Mick Foley made
wrestling real to me for the first time since I was a child,
in the sense that when he was on my television screen, I felt
connected in some way to his words and actions. It’s a feeling
that has not yet been replicated by any other wrestler or
sports figure.

With all that said, there’s only one thing
left to say … Peace.

-
Chris Biscuiti

Chris Biscuiti also
writes for 411mania.
He occasionally updates his
own site, too, but that is more a rarity than the
norm.

Last 5 posts by Chris Biscuiti

• News Analysis: This is Not a Wrestling Story - June 26th, 2007
• Rime of the Super Mario - April 5th, 2005
• A Secret Crept - March 29th, 2005
• To Be A Protagonist - March 21st, 2005
• The Phone Number Attached - March 15th, 2005