Hi Viv,

I’m recently single after being with
my boyfriend for 6 months, and in my time with him I had some
of the best sex I think I’ve had thus far in my life. Since
being broken up I’ve fooled around a little with some other
people, but I haven’t enjoyed it as much. Maybe because of
lingering feelings for the ex, who knows? But here comes
the “weird thing.” I can be at work, out somewhere with friends,
almost any situation and think back in my mind to a time when
he and I were having sex and I get tingles throughout my body,
almost as if I’m having sex with him at that time. (I’m not
of course, nor am I pleasuring myself at these times.) Is
this unusual- where I get tingles as if the moment is really
happening? Not that you’re a professional sex advice person,
but in your opinion, or can anyone else relate?

Thanks,
A fan

Dear Tingling Torture, (Is that name
cool with you?)

Wow, do I know what you mean. You’re right,
I’m not a professional, but I guess it doesn’t hurt to fill
you in on what I think it could be. (By the way, it’s kinda
hard for me to write sex advice articles without a little
humor – a la the threesomes article – so just don’t take anything
personally… I just want to make sure everyone gets a piece
of the action. Or something.)

Ok, first thing’s first. I’m working
with the premise that you are female, since you didn’t indicate
otherwise and you know I’m a chick – if I’m wrong, well, I
can’t do anything about that.

*Assess your singlehood. My guess is
that your split wasn’t amicable; if anything it was either
pretty bad for both of you, or maybe you were more distraught
than him? Maybe your sexual response occurring even without
his physical presence is your way of dealing with missing
him, AND his bedroom prowess.

*Do you have hopes for you guys getting
back together? Maybe, somehow, you’re internally connecting
your hopes with your…err…desire, therefore any physical connections
with other partners just isn’t as fulfilling as it might be.

*What’s with these guys you’re hooking
up with? What I mean by that is, are they worth it? If you’re
hooking up with them just to get over the ex – that’s just
not gonna cut it. Especially for a chick; women are known
to be harder to please in bed on most levels, and satisfaction
isn’t always as immediate as it may be for males or even women
not in the rebound stage.

In the past I’ve definitely picked up
a “friend” who was privy to my bedtime stories only because
I figured I was in some sort of need and wanted that individual
to satisfy what was missing. End result? It never works. Inevitably,
especially after you’ve been with someone for a lengthy amount
of time, you get used to a partner who knows what you want
and can perform on a regular basis. Unless you happen to find
the Casanova whose performance skills are at their utmost
best. And even then, the outcome is not definitive.

*Are you rebounding? If you really miss
something or someone that was good or meaningful in your life,
I think it’s totally possible to recreate the feeling. Good
sex is hard to come by these days; we’re all too jaded and
instilled with protective measures that we just don’t have
an opportunity, quite often, to really enjoy something that’s
totally natural.

That said…

*Are you concerned about the fact that
you have these sexual feelings or are you concerned with the
fact that you LIKE having them?

Dare I say, don’t be too freaked out
about it? If anything, these sensations may pass; in the meantime,
enjoy them. Hopefully you’ll find someone else, if you want
to, to recreate those feelings in real time instead of just
having them linger in your memory and, sometimes, body.

Not sure how else I can help you on this
one. My guess is that you’re more surprised than distressed,
so I wouldn’t sweat it. Maybe just take the time to think
about your residual feelings for your ex, and to figure out
if you really want to be hooking up with anyone else right
now. Sometimes the sexual hiatus is a good thing. Well, in
theory anyway. Saying that aloud never fails to put a damper
on anyone’s spirit, I suppose.

Good luck!

- V.

Send any questions you may have to dmanoner@aol.com
or viviannecolumn@yahoo.com.
Dusty and Vivianne are not certified sex therapists, and while
all questions will be answered honestly, this Web site is
for entertainment purposes only.

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