Hello there folks. My name
is Dustin Glick, but within the context of this column only,
you may refer to me as Dusty. From this day forward, I shall
be writing an advice column on this here Web site. Now, since
this is my first column, of course I have no questions to
answer. So, I have decided to answer questions people wrote
in to other* advice columnists. Observe:

Dear Dusty,

I have seen articles that list questions
a person should ask his or her partner before becoming engaged,
to ensure a happy marriage. What do you think the most important
questions are?

- Young Lady Who Needs To Know

Dear Young Lady,

Here are some questions you should ask
your potential spouse:

Do you want to have children?
How many children do you want to
have?
How hard do you plan on hitting
them?
How hard do you plan on hitting
me?
Will you only hit me when I deserve
it, or will you hit me just for fun/when you’re drunk?
Would you still love me if I was
horribly disfigured in a tragic George Foreman
Grill accident? What if all that was left of me was half a
head attached to a foot and one boob?
Does it bother you that I’m in the
Klan?
Would you be upset if you came home
and found me and the mailman playing naked Twister with your
dad and three Vietnamese midgets? How about with just two
midgets?
Do the men in your family tend to
grow man boobs as they get older?
Do you mind that I plan on gaining
50 pounds within the first year of our marriage, then adding
on 25 pounds each year thereafter?
How many cats do you plan on owning:
15 or more than 15?
When do you get out for parole?
Can you really support me when your
only job is playing Scrabble online?
Do you plan on growing a larger
penis or is that it?
What was your name again?

Dear Dusty,

I am 18 and a student. I recently slept
with a guy at work and he has not paid attention to me since.
I have totally fallen for him. We have known each other since
primary school and he always was shy. Why won’t he speak to
me, let alone date me?

- Confused Connie

Dear Connie,

If it were me in his position, I wouldn’t
call you back just for using the words “primary school.” Who
says “primary school?” All in all, you were most likely used
for sex. Get used to it.

Dear Dusty,

I have a slightly problematic situation.
I am 20 years old and have very strong feelings for one of
my cousins. Our families are very close, and every time we
get together, I am excited to see him. I know that I like
him for the right reasons — he’s considerate, kind, caring.
He is a deep person and very smart. Also, the way he talks
to me and smiles gives me a warm feeling inside. He happens
to be everything I am looking for in a spouse. I am getting
anxious because I really want to date him, and it’s clear
that he likes me. But maybe there are problems marrying a
first cousin? Should I go ahead with this?

- Dana

Dear Dana,

Unless you consider having eight-headed
babies with lizard skin and eyes for nipples merely a “slightly
problematic situation,” you are seriously f*cked. What the
hell are you thinking? And what do you think your parents
will say when you announce you’re humping Aunt Mertle’s first
son? What you need to do is get a life. Leave the house for
something other than a family reunion and you’ll see that
there are plenty of datable guys out there that don’t have
the same last name as you. And stop thinking about marriage.
You’re 20.

Dear Dusty,

I have a 13-year-old son who recently
starting seeing a man that nobody else can see. He says the
man doesn’t have any expression on his face, he only stares
at him. We have gone to see a psychologist, and he can’t explain
why he sees this person. He says that there is nothing going
on in his head. My son says that this man scares him, and
I’m sure he does. I’m not sure what to do about this or who
this person is. Is it a spiritual guide or a ghost? We are
trying to find some answers for him.

- Pat

Dear Pat,

Your son is indeed being visited by a
ghost. The spirit in questions wants your son to help him
resolve a certain issue he was unable to clear up during his
life. Tell your son to help the ghost get what he wants and
that will make Bruce Willis go away (sorry to ruin the ending
for you).

Dear Dusty,

I have been working as a full-time
freelance artist since graduating from college, but I have
come to the inevitable conclusion that in this economy, in
order to make ends meet, I need a more traditional job as
well. I have a liberal arts degree from a decent school, but
never really worked before in a traditional setting. In fact,
all of the jobs I have had were part-time only and have nothing
to do with the art world, or any of the other areas I’m interested
in. All I get asked is what kind of work experience I have,
for whom, and how much. When I say I have never actually worked
at a traditional job, I can tell that the interviewers are
turned off. If I can’t get a job, how will I get work experience?

- Roberto

Dear Roberto,

Oh, you poor, poor soul. Take it from
me, you have two options: marry rich or get used to saying
“would you like to super-size your meal for an extra 38 cents?”
When it comes to getting a job, a liberal arts degree is about
as useful as getting “Your name” tattooed on your ass is at
getting you laid. I majored in art and now look at me: I write
articles for moodspins just for the fun of it. If that’s
not depressing, I don’t know what is. Here’s some advice –
just cut to the chase and find a big cardboard box and a nice
warm grate to sleep on.

Well, that’s it for the first installment
of Dear Dusty. Please feel free to send me your questions
at dmanoner@aol.com.

- Dusty

*Questions originally appeared on the
following Web sites:

http://www.dearabby.com
http://www.dearmrsweb.com
http://www.aish.com/dating/advice
http://www.metrotribe.org/askalison.html
http://www.uexpress.com/dearabby

Send any questions you may have to dmanoner@aol.com
or viviannecolumn@yahoo.com.
Dusty and Vivianne are not certified sex therapists, and while
all questions will be answered honestly, this Web site is
for entertainment purposes only.

Last 5 posts by Dustin Glick

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